Archive for November, 2004

Yeah, it’s finally over – New Zealand’s tourism ads don’t work anymore =)

THE EXAMS ARE OVER!!!!

But being the normal, well self-controlled, mature-thinking adult that i am, i said that with the most calm, droning tone that you have ever heard, almost as if i just told you the relative humidity of today. NOT. =)

Now that the time is freed up, however, i find myself with a lot of things to do. (kinda ironic isn’t it?) Some of which i honestly don’t really feel like doing, others i desperately grasp at hopes that it can (and will) happen. Raymond, if you’re reading this, don’t worry, our stuff is in the latter category. =)

Ooops. dinnertime. First dinner i’ve had at home for ages. Better go join my family! =)

Words.

Sunrise. Yawn. Breakfast. Morning. Study? Bored. MSN. Chat. Bored. Friends? Mugging. Bored. Look. Left. Right. Restless. Books. Read. Distracted. Unfocused. Exams. Glance. Books. Notes. Tutorials. Nah. Read. Read. Read. Hungry. Lunch. Piano. Guitar. MP3s. Songs. Music. Soothing. Emotional. Calming. Therapeutic. Sad. End. Back. Study? Bored. Phone. SMS. Call. Talk. Help. Comforting. Restless. Run. Rain. Hungry. Dinner. Hot. Aircon. Glance. Notes. Lectures. Papers. Tutorials. Nah. Book. Read. Chat. Phone. HELP! Peace? None. Pray. HARD. Nothing. Cry. Weep. Sob. Beg. Lament. Think. Pray. Nothing. Heart. Turmoil. Night. Sleep. Can’t. Toss. Turn. Glance. 10pm. Toss. Turn. Sing. Dark. Think. SMS. HELP! Glance. 11pm. Tired. Sleep? Can’t. Flip. Flop. Pillow. Fluff. Glance. 12. Midnight. Think.

So this is what it feels like to have no peace in your heart.

What do you do?

sometimes you have so much inside you that you want to let it out, but you can’t..

not that you don’t want to, but it doesn’t seem to translate into words..

or even if you wanted to and can say it, there’s no one to tell it to..

worse still, you can share it to someone, but it’ll make things worse than they already are..

so what do you do?

how do you express something that you don’t know how to formulate?

who can you tell should it be constructed coherently?

can you face the consequences of openness?

so what do you do?

..keep it inside you?

..try to hide it and hope everything turns out fine?

..turn your heart cold to it and avoid it by distracting yourself from it?

..or just let it run wild in your heart and mind?

i wish i knew.

If She Only Knew

– 98 Degrees

Just remembered this song – sometimes i feel this way too…if she only knew.

If she only knew
What I knew but couldn’t say
If she could just see
The part of me that I hid away
If I could just hold her in my arms again
And just say I love you
But she’s gone away, maybe she’d stay
If she only knew

If she could just feel
What I feel here in my heart
She’d know it was real
Pure and true right from the start
But I’m just a man who didn’t understand
What she was going through
But she’s gone away, maybe she’d stay
If she only knew

And how, how did I let her get away
‘Cause love, love is so easy to feel
But the hardest thing to say

If she could just see
What I see when I close my eyes
All that I dream
Surely she would realize
But like a fool I waited much too long
To let her know the truth
She’s gone away, maybe she’d stay
If she only knew

If she only knew
What I knew but could not say
If she could just see
The part of me that I hid away
If I could just hold her in my arms again
And just say I love you, I love you
She’s gone away, maybe she’d stay

Feeling kinda lonely..

Penny told me recently that my blog’s all about God…initially it was a compliment (i hope it intended to be!) but after a while i go to thinking why it was…actually the simple reason is because that i seem to see God working in many ways. On the other hand, could i just be trying to make up for my pathetic excuse of a spiritual life? hmm…

Two papers down (physics and econs), and erm…three to go. sigh.

Speaking of econs paper, i crashed into a curb while trying to avoid a dancing motorcyclist. (you know, the kind that “dances” their bikes across the lanes, especially in front of other drivers) In my defence, i had to hit the curb else i would’ve smashed into him. but what’s done is done, and in hitting the curb, i punctured a wheel and dented the rim. (running on a spare wheel now) thankfully it wasn’t more than one wheel, but i was panicking waiting for the tow truck to come and fix the new wheel on. why? coz that was 8.30 and my paper was at 9, that’s why. but he came in time, rushed down to MPSH, parked the car in RH instead, and ran down, sat down just in time to hear the invigilator say “you may begin”. that’s a close enough shave for me, no more, thanks. =)

Other than that, things have been going fine..

Just recalling how my mom always used to chide me for being too sensitive (and sometimes i’m the other way round, i know). Getting a bit distressed coz people around me have problems and i can’t seem to help. I’ve always believed that i can do something, even if it’s in the capacity of a catalyst. But sometimes i don’t seem to be able to do anything at all, and that kinda hurts me. I guess some of you might know what i mean when i say that it hurts to see someone else hurting. oh well..

Hungry…it’s 6pm…then again i’m always hungry. =)

Which is the Matrix?

Was sitting around looking at the LOAD of work that has to be done and heard myself thinking “this had better not be the real world”…
That sparked off a memory of sunset prayer (Engin Bridge! Every tuesday! 6pm!) where Paul said something about the real world.
You know how we go to church and feel comforted, encouraged by other believers, served by brothers and sisters, and feeling good while we’re there? And when we leave, we think “back to the real world”? Kinda like how you plug yourself into the Matrix and feel good with all the normal things around you, but have to return to the cold clammy hovercraft that is your reality of life? I remember being told once that “in church you’re sheltered, out there in the real world it’s harsh and cold”
Well guess what? That’s wrong. You want the real world? The real world is when you’re in His love. The real world is when you can live among other believers. That’s where there’s no more pain, no more hurt, no more tears. That’s where there’s joy and peace. That world out there, the one around us, the one full of temptations and disappointment and selfishness? That’s not real. That’s temporal (adj, Lasting only for a time; not eternal; passing). You want the real world? Look at what’s eternal.
You want the real world? Ask for it. Seek it. Then when it’s presented to you, join it. And welcome to the club.

Or to quote Morpheus: welcome to the real world.

It’s that time of the year again…

or that time of the season. whatever. exams are coming, and i’m sure everyone feels it. only problem is, this is the period of time when i need my friends the most. i feel guilty for feeling that way because it means i tear them away from their books and notes, but that doesn’t make the feeling any better. this is the time where i need people by my side (not literally), when i need company.

unfortunately, this is also the time when most people either can’t afford the time to spend, or simply won’t. it’s a selfish thought to make people spend time with me (or someone else, for that matter) when they have so much to do. were it me, i’d like to be able to say that i’d give my time to others (and i do try), but i guess i’m the same too. still, it doesn’t make it any better to feel that way. in fact, makes me feel worse.

i guess i’m kinda weak in that sense. i need people around me, with me, in spirit, in heart, in thoughts. and david tao’s song (the title) really portrays how it feels to be lonely. (but i don’t feel exactly the same way he says it in the song – i’m not in love or just broke up or anything)

i need to get the strength, draw it from God. i know He’s there. i don’t blame him for letting me feel this way, it’s probably part of His plan. but at times like this it just feels so..blank. guess that’s the only word i can use that fits in. the perils of a limited vocabulary.

loneliness doesn’t come from being alone; it comes from feeling alone.

la soledad viene de la sensación sola…

Recalling the Why..

For those of you who have been reading my blog, you’ll remember i ranted on about this killer programming lab at which i only managed to see the key element in completing it after the lab was over. (If you don’t, you can always look down and the previous posts)

I think i finally realise why God let me fall. Pride is one, surrender is another. There are a couple of reasons, but i think the most important one was to realise that i am really nothing without Him.

I guess it takes quite a big event in our lives to remind us of that fact. We tend to control things everyday, doing our things as we wish, as if we were in total control over everything. But the fact is, we’re not. As much as most of us truly hate to admit it in our hearts, we’re not in control of anything at all. The number of white hairs you have, the way you talk, the time you get to school..it all seems as if it can be planned, (“let’s see…if i take this bus i’ll reach school in half and hour..”) but in reality, so you think the bus will come as and when you want it to? We’re not in control at all. And everytime we try to wrest control over God’s dominion, i think He uses things like this to put us back in our right place.

Don’t wrestle with God; you’ll end up with a funny hip.

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people will accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest & frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you’ve got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis,
It is between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

~Mother Teresa~