Archive for September, 2005

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Apologies for not having blogged for a while, mainly because 1 – i haven’t been able to put my thoughts into words (albeit suitable for a mainstream audience) and 2 – my hands really hurt from intensive handball training, it hurts to type/write for a long period of time.

Thankfully, there seems to be nothing to do these days except read the textbook and notes. Kindly note that i’m not gloating, because the main reason why there isn’t much to do is because i don’t know how to do it, and i’m waiting for tutors’ replies so that i have a vauge idea of where to start. This isn’t so worrying though, coz the vast majority of my peers, even those who are certified geniuses, can’t seem to do it, so the certified morons like myself don’t really have to feel so bad =)

Stupid boy band-sounding songs are replaying in my head. Nothing wrong with boy bands in particular, or the songs (i’d admit that some of them are quite nice), but it’s stupid ones like “What Makes a Man” by Westlife, and stuff like that. Of course nice songs like 孤?北?? are also playing in that mental jukebox, but i really shouldn’t be thinking about songs like that, as nice as they are.

Had a project draft presentation yesterday. Yes, THE project. Considering that i prepared a grand total of maybe half and hour for it, i think it went quite well, not discounting the fact that i really came up with a lot of stuff on the spot and while other people were presenting their projects as well. Once the tutorial ended i ran. Yup, i quite literally ran from the classroom after shoving all my stuff into my bag. Didn’t want to stay there any longer, wanted to leave while i was still in good shape. Thankfully no one really looked at the running figure that disappeared from the classroom just as all the people started socializing. Felt quite pathetic for a while, but Junhao talked me out of feeling that way =P

The “what-ifs” start popping into my mind…so far so good, i’ve been able to catch myself from thinking too much unnecessarily. Preparing myself mentally against it happening when my defences are low. I try not to think about the future now, mine or otherwise..it leads my mind to situations that i will worry about but are completely useless worrying about because i don’t even know if they will materialize. All i can do is draw applicable prayer items from it, though the reflex reaction is to dismiss the thoughts and shut them out completely.

My friends think i look happier now…maybe i am. But my mind never shuts down, which is why mornings are harder to handle coz the whole night my defences are down. Speaking of mornings, i will (at least try) NOT to not do QT in the morning anymore. One day of that and i very nearly died – learnt my lesson to try and carpe diem by myself on my own strengths.

Ok will blog more tonight after training if there’s anything more to say…off to lessons again! *bleh*

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Immortality! Take it! It’s yours!

Somehow that phrase sticks in my mind. I’ve always been amazed at that simple concept of never having to die, like the Highlander who only dies if his head gets chopped off. Later on in life the quote “the key to immortality is to live a life worth living” came into place and it sparked off different aspects of it.

The bottom line is – i want to be immortal.

I want to live. I want to be remembered, hopefully for something good. I don’t want people to think of me as the boy who did well in academics, or the one who sang the song “spinning” in the musical and had to drop to his knees in the darkness. I want to touch lives. I want to be a part of people’s lives. I want people to say that because i lived, they breathed a few breaths easier on this earth.

And when i die, i don’t want anyone to cry. Because i want to be preparing a place in heaven for those who are coming after me. Yes, be sad because i’m gone, but be happy because you know you’ll see me again, and under much more favourable conditions. Be happy because i now longer have to deal with struggles that i deal with now. Be happy because you’re coming there too.

Remember me.

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And in everything you do…

We are spiritual beings. Heh – that doesn’t mean that we’re wisps of air around, floating and as where we like and just WAITING for the ghostbusters to come around and suck us in if we create too much havoc. We are spiritual because we have the Holy Spirit in us and everything we do has a spiritual value to it.

Yup that’s right again, EVERYTHING you do. Sportsperson, mugger, whatever your occupation/character/pasttime might be. Whether you’re throwing a rugby ball, writing notes frantically or giving speeches, they all have a spiritual value to it.

Why? Because as a Christian, everything you do/say has a reflection on who you really are. Impressions form in the space of a blink and take a lifetime to get rid of. Worse still are the impressions that are formed over a long period of time – those might even be correct. But can you imagine, everything you do has an implication on what a Christian should/would be like. Hold on a moment, you don’t even need to imagine it – it’s reality. Yup, that’s exactly what’s going on, in case you didn’t know.

We all have sin, that’s for sure. And at one point of time or another, we’ve definitely behaved in a very un-Christlike manner. I know i have. Let’s be honest – we all have. That kind of behaviour is not part of our goal, but we fall coz we’re only human.

Max Lucado has a very good example of it – can you imagine you are wearing a T-shirt that tells everyone that you’re a Christian? I feel that’s the kind of life we should be living…although you’d need more than one T-shirt coz you’re going to have to wash it at one point or another. But the point being that our lives alone should be enough to identify us as Christian. Can we say that of ourselves? I think not many of us can. I don’t think i dare to assert that claim at all.

But that’s where we should be working at. Everything that is done should honour God. Everything. If that means you have to change your lifestyle, change it. If that means you have to give up things that you would normally have done, then give it up. If it means that you have o forgo things that you wish you could have done, then pls set your convictions down before you even start thinking about it. If that means you have to break an agreement to someone else, then break it, whatever the cost might be. (I realise i’m being harsh here, but that’s my stand and i’m not going to be apologetic about it. This is the same standard i expect anyone to treat me should i have a situation as this.) I can promise you it’s not going to be easy. But i can also promise you that it’s well worth it. The sad thing is that so many of us are numb to what we’re going that we don’t really realise that it’s not edifying at all. Perhaps we’re too busy to think about it. Perhaps we’re enjoying it too much. Something that portrays a wrong/bad image to you and to other Christians. Something that edifys the flesh. Something of the sinful nature. Something that we want but is not of God. Sadly, we often don’t realise it at all.

That’s why i feel that it’s important for us to take out time each day to reflect on what we’ve done, what we’ll be doing, and what we’re doing. Maybe you’ll think of your hobbies. Maybe you’ll think of activities that you do on a regular basis. Maybe you’ll think of your career, or even your service in ministry (although i seriously hope not). What you’re doing it for. Why you’re doing it. Who you’re doing it for. And be honest – it’s just too easy to rationalize and tell ourselves that we have pure intentions for each thing that we do.

I leave you, the reader, with no conclusion to this post. It’s intentional – i want to leave you thinking about what you’re doing. Think about it yourself coz only you know your heart. Only you and God. It has always been between you and God.

…do it unto the Lord.

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Heh i haven’t blogged in a while…but i notice a few things about this template – first i can’t seem to easily link individual entries…perhaps that’s coz there’s no title…then again i don’t really need to link anything coz this is just a flow of what i feel. Secondly, i can’t write chinese inside here…FYI, the two chinese words that were in the previous post were “ku3 siao4” (i think), literally meaning “bitter smile”.

The feeling has been quite recent, think i was only aware of it yesterday…it really feels like a major part of my life has just vanished. I’m sad in a way, yet i think i’m doing pretty fine, though i really need to learn to let go of the things that i desire in my life…it’s the “open palm” theory again, heh.

Been reading a book called “boundaries in dating”…it’s really a good book, and yes yes i’m reading a lot of books on relationships these days…i just feel that it’s a good time to absorb coz you really feel for it…not to mention that people around me have been needing it as well, so that’s kinda like a good thing (i hope). In the midst of it all i’ve been led to think about the concept of love and whether i can say i can truly love someone at all…and yea that leads to what love really is (aside from the hollywood propaganda about it) and what it really means to love someone. Doesn’t help that currenly the song running in my head is “Come What May” from Moulin Rouge hahaha..

I was questioning the other day whether i’ll really find someone in the course of my life and was talking to someone (shall not disclose any names, lest the person be bombarded) about it…and that person said that he/she thinks so coz he/she just can’t envision me being called to singlehood. While i’m not about to believe in that totally, i most certainly hope he/she’s right…though i’m constantly reminded by Faith and Jon that God has a sense of humour hahaha…

The school week’s starting again…really not looking forward to having to face another week…since when did school become such a drag? i remember rather enjoying myself the first two sems…ah well…all i can do is go through each day with God’s grace over me and hope that i can let Him lead in every area of my life. Sometimes i just scream out to Him and quite literally beg that He be tangibly near…it’s times when you really need to fill that vacuum that you just so desperately cry out and plead that He be near…and it really works when you cry from your heart and pray. So many days, so many times i’ve just asked simply from my heart that He rest with me the whole day and that i not forget that He’s with me and who i really am, and the day moves fine – more than fine, it moves very well! And so i’ll have to learn to cultivate a habit of doing such in the mornings…especially so in the mornings coz i’m at my lowest/weakest in the morning after a night of lowering my defences when i sleep.

Dear God above, the wonder of your love
Is greater far than any treasure trove

Help me to move each day. Help me to be who i’m supposed to be. Just help me.

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Had a project meeting with jo just now…and i think i’m crazy. I’m doing a project with someone i just broke up with less than a month ago. (bing thinks i’m crazy too wahahah) But having gone for the meeting, i’m surprisingly ok…granted that at first i was like 苦笑 all the way, but it got better as the meeting progressed…no more pain! I’m amazed, and i’m seriously convicted about the power of prayer coz i know people were praying for me. I just hope i don’t screw up this project as well.

Before i forget, in addition to what i posted yesterday (scroll down), the peace came back..and i had a good time the rest of the night once Shell woke up my idea. Logic starts to set in now, and i feel…free from all the troubles that i once had, free to fly, and free to run. Though at times when i’m down i feel that i’d rather not be free, for that’s a small price to pay to have someone by your side, yet something tells me to wait. Be patient. Rays just reminded me that “it’s better to be kicked by the Holy Spirit than to act against God’s will”…heh. That oughta hurt. XD

Went to the RH library to study and i actually got some work done. Not written work kinda work, but i did finally understand enough of my Fluid Mechanics to move on the next topic, though i still don’t really understand a bit of it…guess i’ll have to work those out another time or consult my tutor when i get the chance to, though i honestly prefer working things out myself. Sometimes i really feel like a yoyo coz it just takes something small to knock me off my feet, so i have to learn how to be strong and deal with it as it comes instead of running each time it happens…sometimes these things really shouldn’t matter at all, but they still affect/annoy me. I guess that’s part of life.

Yes i still have my melancholic moments, and i still have my moments that i feel like crying. Yet this time around i feel there’s nothing wrong with it…it’s simply expression that needs to be carried out, and really let go of.

I know what i’m looking for…and i see it somewhere already. I don’t dare to move coz i don’t know whether i really mean it myself. I don’t want to be selfish. What does it take to be kicked?

I can finally sing in my own voice again. I have my voice back! “Come what may…” =D

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And shortly after i posted that last one…it left.

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Today has been such a good day that i’m going to break my rule of blogging limits and post another post here.

As mentioned earlier, i went ice skating with Agape, but it turned out to be even less than the original 4 who were supposed to go so in the end it was just Huilin, Yuanting and me…but we had a fun time skating nonetheless. Fell down a total of 4 times, (yes ting, it’s 4 times, and you only fell once i know) and ended up with a grazed elbow and badly bruised knee and a whole lot of laughs..heh. And Huilin is really a very quick learner…she actually learnt to iceskate without falling down at all! *ego deflates*

Though we really spent two hours skating round and round the rink, it was a good time…for once i was at peace again, amidst the noise of other people and the music. Peace…just peace, and i didn’t want to lose that. Sitting here in my room in RH, i sense that i haven’t…the feeling remains with me, if for no other reason that i refuse to let it go. The work is still here, and the pain still lingers, and the reminder on my phone just told me that i have a meeting with jo tmr to settle our GEM project, but the peace is still here.

Don’t ever leave my heart.

I must say i’m really touched by the concern that’s shown to me these few days…people have made a conscious effort to cheer me up and pray for me…i know because i can feel it. Kinda like how Obi-Wan Kenobi tells Luke that you should be able to feel the Force flowing through you, i can feel the prayers flowing over me and touching me each time they pass. It has never been so real to me in that sense, and i don’t want it to leave me, this warm feeling. I know it will take effort to maintain it there, but now that i have it i’m going to make full use of it.

I’m rebounding…i know what it is and i’m trying to avoid it.

Don’t ever leave my heart, you feeling of peace. Don’t you leave me hanging again.

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I didn’t get to blog about this yesterday night coz i was rushing a lab report…now that it’s done, i have a little bit of time before i leave my room and meet Agape for our first FOC group outing – ice skating!

Yesterday was a pretty good day, thanks to ppl like Cher and JY and all, who really bothered to include me into things that were going on…sometimes a simple “wanna go for lunch?” can really be such a cheer up =) So the day went on fine, did a little bit of work, and i realised that i can afford to spend more time on my work, though i’m doing pretty fine (at least by my own standards).

My thoughts are more under control now, though they still do plague me most of the time. It’s been tough each time things happen and the thoughts come, but i guess thru sheer grace each time i managed to put each one down. It doesn’t help that my mind is like constantly active and thinking about everything all the time, and it’s another constant struggle to deal with each thought as it comes. I’m trying not to distract myself from the thoughts unless it’s absolutely necessary coz i figure i’m going to have to face them anyway, might as well face them when i can as opposed to when i can’t afford to. Not like i have a choice when they happen to pop up anyway.

Went for a lot of activities yesterday, played a lot of sports and even went swimming with Cher…after which she went out, and later we met again for supper…never realised i could walk all the way from RH to KE7 though, it’s pretty far, and quite amazing seeing as how my legs were already like jelly…heh.

I’m afraid of a few things at the moment. I’m afraid that i’m not really growing stronger, i’m just numbing myself and thus losing the capacity to feel. I’m afraid that my dreams, which normally come true, really do come true. I’m afraid that i’m pushing myself too hard and trying too hard to be strong that i’ll break. But the scariest thing is…i find myself seemingly doing all these things that i’m afraid of (with the exception of my dream coming true, that is…that one i have no control over).

Ok time to go ice skating – i hope this cheers me up considerably.

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Never would i have thought that, for once, i’d be waking up to a torrential rain and be happy about it. I normally don’t like rain, especially in the mornings, though i must admit that it is very good to sleep in.

In fact, i find myself hoping that the rain carries on for quite a long while more. Maybe i’m just evil and selfish for thinking this way. I think i am. But i still want it to rain.

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And so another day has passed..it seems to be a cycle of ups and downs these days, sometimes acceptance comes so naturally, and sometimes the natural thing isn’t so pleasant. All it takes to spark off something is a thought, and then i can swing to the extreme low. Sheer determination of prayer seems to be the only way to cast the thoughts out and maintain a happy composture. Those of you who know me well enough might know that i can’t hide my emotions very well…i may be able to fake what i don’t feel the converse of (e.g. in acting for performances) but i sure can’t hide what i do feel. I guess it’s quite obvious at times…even my neighbour asked me if everything’s ok…actually it was until i was reminded at that very instant of something…and then it wasn’t ok anymore.

I need to learn how to be strong…not strong in the fake macho sense, but more of how to deal with emotions as they come and facing them…things are better now, the reflex is kicking in more in place of the sheer discipline (which failed a considerable amount of times) and i guess it’s really better in that way. However, the thoughts will have to stop somehow…somehow. I know it takes time, and during which time i’m really thankful that God has surrounded me with His people to guard and guide me…ppl like *ok you guys know who you are*. =)

I was playing for worship today, and i very nearly cried while playing the guitar. Yes, it was that song that i posted previously, and to be honest, i ended up tearing, but i didn’t all-out-bawling-and-weeping kinda thing on stage…after all, i still had to play the song. This is why i’m thankful that the chord sequence of the song is quite simple, coz i couldn’t see the chords. It was just so real – how great is our God. My God.

Time to let go. Time to move on. Time to proclaim that my God is great. I cannot be an effective testimony like this.