The Fifth Batch of Random Thoughts In This Space I Call My Mind

May 9, 2006 in Just the tale, my faith, Random, Rantings, School, Thoughts

I'm sorry, no politiks brought up here – i have my firm stand on them and i won't be blogging about them, if for no other reason that i can't be bothered to formulate the words for the current issues. Anyway, if you want to know what happened in the elections (just in case you're like me and not too informed), our dear PM gets his "strong mandate".

But in other news (read: my life), i guess one would say things are pretty normal. I've been challenged again on my commitment to service to God (not just in VCF but in church as well), and i've given it quite a bit of thought. Have i really been so sucked into hall life that i retreat from everything else? It's a possibility, but i honestly can't tell. I do miss having more time to myself, that's for sure. I don't really feel the burden for any specific organisation in particular, though i know i am part of it and will continue to give as part of one, yet i still feel what i can give is not in the context of a CG, nor a mentor/CGL…i may be wrong, and God may call me to step up, but at the same time my heart dearly lies with the people around me, the people who matter to me and even sometimes don't notice me.

I remember the days where i was an intense attention-seeking person. In those days, i got what i wanted – i doubt i will get that now. Not that i want it anymore though…it seems that i've reached the point where i just want to know that i have friends and people who care around me and that's enough. Compared to the fame-hungry, limelight-seeking jon of the teenage days, it's a vast difference. Yet i still try to be someone, for no other reason that i know if one never tries, one never grows.

At times i think "What have i gotten myself into?", involving myself in things like RHOC and handball – things that take up a significant amount of time. Am i really doing anything useful, or is it just fun for me…so fun that i would let it take up more and more time. I have been known to seek as much fun as possible, within strict and stringent guidelines and devour what i can. Perhaps it is time to rethink again what i am doing.

And with those thoughts come the all important series of thoughts again. Sometimes i just need to verbalise things when i'm talking so that i can internalise it. I fear that one day i will lose control and let words fly without thinking, something that absolutely disgusts me. I don't mean to be judgemental, but the times when i express displeasure to a person in the private forum of an sms or msn chat conversation are really because i can't hold it back anymore. I don't know if i will ever understand how other people think, possibly not, because i'm not that person. (Although i know there are a few people whom i know how they think and i've very well acquainted with their thought patterns) Wouldn't it be nice, in that case, to have psychic powers and just read the thoughts off people's minds when they wanna talk to you? Some may think that's too much information for you, and you might discover some ugly things that you don't want to hear. Then, why do people have to be so deceptive? In the end, i still think that being honest and open is the best way for someone to live his life…to not be afraid of who you are.  And while i'm psychic i would like to erase those unwanted sections of thought that come to mind every now and than hahaha. 😉

As usual, once i have the time and mental space to do so, my mind drifts off to my past and what i want my future to be. Life definitely isn't all about grades and as much as i want to do well, that's not something that i want to be known for. Yet i know that part of this is really an investment to my future and aspirations, that the academic life i lead now is a means to an end for what i want to do, to be. Side note: results are released for me on the 26th of May, 5pm…i'm not really bothered by it, but i'm not really looking forward to it either. 😀

As for my past, i want those thoughts out of my head. For good even, now that i've learned the lessons that they taught. How appropriate that as i completed God of War on the PS2, which is set in ancient Rome with all the mythical gods and all, for the second time, the ending cutscene (which i didn't watch the first time) tells the main character that the gods will forgive him of his deeds, but not cleanse him of his nightmares and visions of the past as even they cannot forget the evils he committed. Though i wouldn't classify my past as "evils", i don't think i can ever forget them either. JM once told me that to have no regrets akin to moving on without looking back (Jon to JM: correct me if i misquoted here ya? 🙂 ). Yet i feel that i can look back with no pain, no longing for the past, no guilt for things already forgiven….does that constitute as no regrets? Given a second chance, who wouldn't want to avoid all the mistakes in their lives? Me…i'd like to remove the sins, and keep the other experiences that helped me learn – then again, it is possible that the repentance that came along with sins did teach me something, though i honestly wouldn't want to have to do that again.

You know how people often say "God will open doors for you"? Well i never really thought of it that way. I think God leaves certain doors unlocked in your life, and it's up to you to choose which one. However, there is a difference between a good choice and a God choice, one which i would think many (including myself) often overlook. Despite not really subscribing to the thought process of having doors being opened for you to show you where to go, something proves me wrong again. (Jon to JM again: no it's not what we talked about at AGM hahaha 😉 ) Perhaps God does lead people in directions He wants them to go by opening particular doors – after all, who am i to say what God can and cannot do? Maybe it just takes more than normal for people like me to notice it eh…

It had been commented to me that i seem to put myself down a lot and tend to be very harsh on myself.  Maybe that is so, but i honestly don't feel so – it's the way i treat myself in order to grow i would say…"spare the rod, spoil the jon?" hahahaha.  But that being said, although i like to aim for higher heights, i would also like to enjoy where i am, where i seem to be going, and enjoy the journey just for the sake of the journey itself.  For if not for the road, how would we get to the destination? 

I noticed this post is really really random, even taking into consideration the title…then again, my other "random thoughts" aren't really random anyway.

Thanks folks, you've been a great audience. Have a safe ride home and don't forget to tip the ushers on your way out. Remember: alcohol and calculus don't mix; never drink and derive. 😀