Archive for June, 2006

And so I’m Up

…At this unbelievable hour, in the RH library hours after a meeting had ended.  It’s kinda funny, coz i could conceivably be sleeping, but as everyone else is watching World Cup projected on the big projection screen and i initially wanted to do some work in the meantime (though i doubt i’ll be getting any sleep nor work till the match is over), i figure it’s sooner or later that i have to camp in the library to finish off work anyway.

Perhaps it’s just me, but it seems to me that i’m the only one rushing work while everyone else is playing games and watching World Cup and so on and so forth.  I just don’t understand why i’m always the one rushing for things to be done, and submissions aren’t getting in on time to external sides.  To be perfectly honest, i am solely responsible for some of the late submissions and things undone, but some of it (which is not as annoying as the former) is because other members of the committee are simply not pulling their own weight.  I never liked the way i had to depend on other people to get things done for me, but seeing as some times (like these) that i have no choice, i just have to learn to grin and bear it.  Maybe it’s this aspect of my character that i find so hard to deal with – to learn to depend on God.  It should be much easier, considering that God is infallible whereas humans are, though sometimes being intanglible makes it tough…at least for me.  I think everyone has a certain sense of right and wrong instilled in them – different people, however, value certain things over others, thus willing to compromise and do the wrong instead of the right even though they know which is which.   In view of that, i’d like to be able to justify my spending time blogging as everyone else is watching World Cup and cheering so loud that i can hear each voice through my headphones (not that i mind though, just descriptive) in that since everyone is pending time doing their leisure, so am i; but something still nags at me and tells me i should be doing a good job on what i’m doing.

I’m trying to start writing a book – it’s something that i wanted to do for a long long time, and a friend’s blog got me going again.  I would like to have at least finished the story so that it can be expanded, but at this rate i have no idea whether i’ll be able to get anything done.

So that’s all for today – i’m torn between writing and sleeping at the moment, but one thing for sure is that i’m going to stop this entry 🙂

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The Lord God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone.  I will make a helper suitable for him."

– Genesis 2:18 

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Random Facts

I just realised that my brain works very well with creative stuff when i'm not thinking about it.

And i saw this in the toilet, posted up by the dragonboaters who are residing in RH for the duration of their camp.

"Pain is temporary. It may last for a second, a minute or even an hour.  But we press on against the pain, fighting it, because after the pain disappears something else will take its place.

But if we quit, the pain lasts forever." 

…have the ability to laugh at ourselves."

So in true nature, i decided to break my liquid diet enforced by the stitches caused by my extraction of wisdom tooth, and eat Subway as the new outlet just opened in school.  Even more so that i needed a change from eating all the soft but oily and therefore unhealthy food.  I handled a cheesy lava crust pizza the day before, so i figured it would have been no problem at all biting.

It was only after buying the 6-inch sub and bringing it back to hall when i realised that my mouth couldn't open wide enough to fit the sub's cross section.

Figures.

*cue laughter* 

Life Motto

So many times i've been asked in interviews and conversations about what creed do i live by.  The answers i have given so far are unsatisfactory, even by my own understandings.  Worse still if i don't quote the Bible.

But biblical references aside, this is something that i really want to achieve in the future, something that i would like to be able to say even at the end of my life.

To know that even one life has breathed easier because you have lived – that is to have succeeded.

– Ralph Waldo Emerson

I definitely want this to be at least part of the code i live by.  I want to touch lives, even if it was just one when it come to the time where i lie on my deathbed. 

Just one, Lord…just one. 

And so another day has passed and i wonder “what have i done”, both in the screaming-to-heaven-in-a-desperate-movie-attempt-to-compensate-for-a-fatal-mistake sense as well as the comtemplative.

But first a message to all my friends out there who are reading this. I know some of you are concerned that the reflections on this blog seem rather melancholy to say the least.  Rest assured that i am fine, aside from the fact that it seems that i’m rather worn out from all the activity that has been going on these few days/weeks.  To those who are reading this in the middle of their hectic lives, be it working or studying for exams (as i know some are), i thank you for keeping me in your hearts or at the very least in your bookmark list.  If you’ve been keeping me even vaguely up to date at this point of time, i just want you to know that i’ve been keeping you in mind and in prayer.  I hope that somehow by reading what pops into my mind each time i blog, you’ll be encouraged and hold on to what we know is true.

As the day technically has already ended at the time i’m typing this, i’m just washing back to the real beginning of today, when i got out of bed.  I realise that my zest for this schedule is really not there anymore and i don’t feel like i want to get up to face what has been planned for me.  Compared to when all this planning just started, i look dead – i was so much more enthusiastic when it started off.  Maybe i guess that makes me a bit ditzy, that i only find new things novel and fun.  Doesn’t help my image that right now i really wanna splurge on something just to add a little new flavour to my life.

I mentioned to ditz yesterday (or accurately speaking, the day before) that i would like to run and hide someplace where i couldn’t be touched, and was appropriately reminded that i can, but it can’t be a permanent state.  Maybe a day or two might be nice though hahaha.

Back to the regular scheduled program, there are many times when i wish i didn’t say what i had said (aside from the fact that opening my mouth still pretty much causes discomfort), and there are also time when i wish i had said something.  Often the latter is caused by the assumption that someone else will bring it up, but unfortunately “someone else” doesn’t have the same idea/comment as me, or is also assuming the same thing. Bummer.

But having so many things that i want to do simply crammed into this small space that is left for myself is insanity.  There are faces i would dearly love to see once again, friends that i want sit down and catch a meal or a movie with, and so on and so forth. Being the impatient redbean that i am, i’d say “i can’t wait for it to happen”, yet at the same time i know intellectually that all things are planned in this sequence for a good and God reason.

I can’t help thinking of what i’m experiencing without thinking that there are people out there whom i know who are feeling the same way, and how am i supposed to encourage you.  At this time, given those that i know are having hard times are locationally difficult for me to reach (be it overseas or in singapore), i suppose all i can do is blog and hope you read it.  And i really do hope all who are feeling so will come here and be refreshed – is that not part of the purpose i write? (aside from the lame humour, random ramblings and lyrics and poems, and updates)

So please, do hold on if you’re going through the same thing as me, feeling sapped of life and without a time to regenerate cells that have been dying.  Keep going, if for no other reason than to hope for a pat on the back and a “well done, good and faithful servant” at the end of this time.  Keep going, because you know that whatever you’re going through, be it work or exams or studies or planning or struggles, that there are people climbing with you.  Some of us will pull you up from where we stand above.  Others will be beside you, cheering you on, and moving each step of the way with you, sometimes even giving you advice.  Still more will be supporting you from underneath, watching your steps and ensuring your safety.  And even as you climb, you will be playing one or even all three of the roles to the people around you.

Be strong? No.

Be weak, so that His strength can be seen through you.

And then you will be Strong. 

I need a break…

…And at the same time, i want to find a job and earn some money.

I want to be the best at what i do… 

…And i'm trying not to get sucked into the world of money and grades and such.

I want to do a lot of things…

…And i'm finding it hard to balance my time with what i want to do and what i have to do, resulting in certain things being sacrificed.

I want to have good relations…

…And i want to get things done at the same time.

Why does my life sound so confusing?

…Or is it everyone else as well?

*ugh*

There's this feeling inside me, inside my heart, that feels like it's wringing me like a towel and squeezing every last bit of soul out of me, leaving only the empty shell of a being.

It's an awful sense to carry around, especially when i have duties to fulfill and keep a mask of attentiveness on when what i really want to do is hide myself in something and just wince with the pain.  Or maybe bury myself in my games and movies and books, avoiding anything that requires me to have coherent thought, much less any form of organisation.

It's even worse because of my pulled out wisdom tooth, thus not allowing me to eat nor exercise to comfort myself, though i'm honestly realy craving for some fried chicken.

You know what's the worst part?

I think i've felt this before.