Archive for September, 2006

Cut Me Some Slack

Most people have no idea how tiring it is to be constantly asked to do something then have it chucked aside, be it allocating of time, actual physical work or mental work (e.g. academics).

Most people also don’t realise how tiring it is to have to keep pretending to be happy when all you really want to do is tell the truth but you can’t.

I’m not Superman – and even Superman needs a place to cry sometimes.

So please stop expecting me to be happy about asking me to do something and then leaving me out of it after i’ve done it.

How deep the Father’s Love for us
How vast beyond all measure
That He would give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss
The Father turns His face away
As wounds with mar the Chosen One
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the Man upon the cross
My guilt upon His shoulders
Ashamed, I hear my mocking voice
Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breathe has brought me life
I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no pow’r, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom

Power.

Never underestimate the prayer and actions of the saints.

Even if it is your own.

Identity

Take a stroll through the labyrinths of my mind
And walk through the pathways i dwell
Read of inscription on walls of time
On papyrus, canvas and shell
Run through the fires of testing abound
Where thoughts pit with reality
And only when you emerge through corridors found
Then you will fully know me

I thought home was where one was supposed to be one could be oneself without scorn, where warmth was evident and support was found?

Four out of four weekends i’ve been dissed and blamed for events the minute i step through the door. I receive no support what i aspire to do, to be, and i’m forced to conform to what other people want me to be.  Now i can’t even buy myself a belated birthday gift with my own money without being put on a guilt trip.

I’m bloody running on empty.

I hate it.

And that is why i really don’t feel like coming home these days.

And so with the dawn of the middle of the semester comes the mid-sem break.  Figures 😀

Though the break isn’t really a break for me, with the workload that seems to be staring at me from the depths of the deep caverns of darkness (translate: my table).  Yet it is going to be such a welcome to get my sleep patterns back without the pressure of something needing handing up the next day on my back.  Been waking up every two hours or so at night for no apparent reason and though i don’t feel as bad as i think i should be, i still require naps in the middle of the day else i’ll be really zoned out.

Still, the tutorials are looked at and have been tried, whether successfully or not is no longer the question – as long as i tried as hard as i could it seems that i could at least put my pencil down and heave a sigh of accomplishment.  And speaking of persistance, i’ve finished a new sketch – second attempt at the human body, first at a female, and i think it’s not that bad considering that the body only took half an hour.  I should state for the record that although the body only took such a short time, the head and the head’s details took more than 2 hours, especially the eyes.  As a result i now have scraps of paper littered about my table with “trial versions” of eyes that were undecided upon.  Perhaps i’ll keep them for future reference. 🙂

With project meetings and lectures to read through and concepts to grasp and projects to do and reports to write and tutorials to complete and ideas to put to paper and calculations to be carried out and modeling of structures to be experimented, i have decided that i am going to take time out and meet up with people, as well as take a break for myself.  After more than three weeks of 4-6 hour nights, i think i deserve it 🙂

Thank you folks, you’ve been a great audience.  If you would like to donate a pillow to the “Help Jon Sleep Better Pillow Fund”, please contact me after this post, and i most certainly wouldn’t mind if that pillow gave me sweet dreams as well.  Even better, make the dreams come true 😀

And don’t forget to tip the ushers!

I had this thought about how much Jesus had to put up with when i was thinking about patience and tolerance on my part toward other people…and i imagine someone asking Jesus that same question:

How much longer will you put up with these people who reject your message and spit your name out in disgust?

Until the Scriptures are fulfilled and Man will hunger for righteousness no more.

How much longer will you put up with these people who use your name in vain and slander you?

Until my destiny is fulfilled and my Father’s plan has unfolded.

How much longer will you put up with these people who praise you with their lips but do no justice to you with their actions?

Until the miracles have been done and the signs all shown.

How much longer will you put up with these people who do not recognize who you are?

Until I am paraded through the streets with a cross on my back, convicted though innocent by the people I came to save.

Until I hang on the cross, nails though my hands and feet and a spear in my side, with dried and crusted blood and spit on my body and a crown of thorns on my head, bearing the signs of disgrace and mockery, on display for all to see.

Until my clothes have been divided and i sip from the sponge and my Father’s face turns away from my tattered body, carrying the multitude of sins more numerous than the lashes that expose my flesh from lines of lacerated skin at which the ravens peck.

Until my physical body cries out in agony at the pain and my parched lips pronounce the words “It is finished” and I hang limp from the steel that binds my hands to wood, holding my frame by not much more than strands of muscle and disjointed bone.

How much longer will you put up with these people?

Until it kills me.

And at the realization of it all, i cry.

At this point of time i’m in the middle of a lab report that’s due for submission tomorrow (it’s almost done though), but my mind has given up on analyzing modal patterns, vibrations and oscillatory motion of a cantilever beam so i thought a spot of blogging would do me good. 🙂

And so since my last post, this song has been running in my head:

Daniel Beddingfield – If You’re Not The One

If you’re not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you’re not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all

I never know what the future brings
But I know you are here with me now
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don’t need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don’t need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you’re not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you’re not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?

I don’t know why you’re so far away
But I know that this much is true
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in you’re the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

‘Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
‘Cause I love you, whether it’s wrong or right
And though I can’t be with you tonight
You know my heart is by your side

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

Although there’s a lot in the song that i won’t exactly promote to other people, i think i understand what all the questions that he poses to himself in the song mean…about how he’d just know.

That aside, i’ve noticed something that was said last year by Yanchang, that people always seem to respond with a “tired” or “stressed” when asked how they’re doing.  I think it’s in times of that kinda feeling where all the more we have to spend time with God and with other people, talking to them and being there for them.  Some people ask me why i bother spending so much time talking to people or showing snippets of concern to them (i know i also tend to show a lack thereof, so spare me on that – i’m still only human, to which i’ll say something about that later).  I guess i really believe that it’s a worthwhile investment that will pay off one day, which is something even my parents have a hard time understanding why i value it so much more than studies though i do spend time studying and doing my best.

This also leads me to think about the past few weeks where i’ve been feeling very isolated, for lack of a better word.  It reminds me of how one can be surrounded by people and yet still feel lonely – only that my focus here now is on how there seems to be a lack of support on my side.  At times i’m left hanging at the edge of the cliff and it’s just me and God – which is a good thing i suppose.  I’m also grateful to JM and LionKing for spending time to really dig out everything and guide me in one way or another, and the few friends i know who are (perhaps unconsciously) keeping me accountable – diTz, Wormy, Ms. SpellMeBackwards and Piggyiling.  But what surprises me when i thought about this is not that i’m lacking support (God gives all readily and He’s there 24-7); instead, it’s about where i’ve gotten it from.  With the exception of JM and LionKing, the rest i never would have expected to have come up in that sector of my life (the private sector, if you will).  And for those i would have expected it to come from…well i guess God has a way of teaching me that His plans are really higher than mine, and i can’t do any better. 😀  Thanks goes to all those mentioned above, you know who you are 🙂

On a more humourous note, i’ve been receiving a lot of emails congratulating me on getting into the finals for Singapore Idol through my NUS email.  I guess it doesn’t really help that SG Idol Finalist Jonathan Leong is also my age and matriculated in the same year as me.  I’m sure he’d appreciate the support that he has from many many people out there (just by counting the number of good wishes emails i’ve gotten in his stead), provided that they were sent to the right email, thus allowing him to read them XD

And so after a half hour respite, it’s back to measuring amplitudes and nodal positions.  Thank you folks, you’ve been a great audience.  Please remember to take all your belongings with you when you leave, especially your car keys and husbands.  Push your chairs in after you leave, and line up in two straight rows, hold your partner’s hands as you walk out of the room, and don’t forget to tip the ushers. 😉

Planes on the runway
People boarding
Gates are opening
More are closing

And here i stand
Peeking at the crowd
Like a timid mouse looking for the cheese
And waiting for the cat’s meow
Scanning the crowd
Looking for someone
I’ve been here long
But still i see none

And my hopes dim and fade
With each plane that leaves
Carrying passengers to the sky
Out of my life and away from me
They pick up a little each time
The arrival of a new flight’s announced
That’s when i peek out again
And hope that someone is found

Amidst the crowd i look for eyes
Bright, firey and deep
The windows to the soul which tell
The story that i speak
For one who brings a luggage full
Packed with the journey of life
A heart that has faced the springs of love
As well as the winters of strife

For the person that He will point out to me
As someone predestined
And as He will point me out as well,
I look for someone looking for me
Flights take off and flights arrive
And still i wait out the test of time
Will i trust that He will land the plane
Will i trust He will provide?

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