Repaid at last

My sleep debt, that is.

However, it was done so at the cost of me missing my morning lessons – a tutorial that wasn’t all that important, and a one hour-lecture that could be read up on easily though i really wished i was there because it’s usually rather interesting and insightful.

As usual, i didn’t like the lack of discipline that took place and caused this, but i have many thoughts on this that i’m sorting out.  For some reason, i’m not as upset i would have been a sem ago, maybe even as recent as a few weeks ago.  I’m also not as uptight about it as before, which is rather curious.

Maybe it’s resignment, maybe it’s resentment, maybe it’s just surrender; i’ve been trying to do a number of tutorials, academic stuff, etc etc etc, and more often than not, i just can’t do it.  Be it lack of understanding or improper phrasing of the question, i have no idea – but it just doesn’t seem to bother me as much as it did in the past.  I would like to have a time where i can just sit alone and do my stuff and finish it once and for all, but i suppose the thinking process is as important as any.  Maybe i’ve come to realise that.

At the same time of this small spark of joy at things like that, there remains a dull throb deep inside me. It’s like a dead star in the middle of a galaxy that stands out because it’s dead and all the other stars look alive with their blazing light.  I should still learn to count my blessings and stop focusing on what i don’t have, what i want.

But sometimes, it’s just so hard.

  1. Jason

    I recently found your posts due to the Tag Surfer feature. Anyway i enjoyed reading some of your posts, perhaps i shall read some more. Keep up the good work. If i read the ending of this post right then i think i can relate to how you are feeling, yeah its rough.

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