Archive for June, 2007

Getting Old

I seem to be turning more fragile these days.

My right middle finger is aching at the joints, and it seems to have problems bending.  My entire left side of the neck and my left shoulder has a dull pain, kinda like if i slept on a bad side the entire night – thing is, i didn’t even sleep on my left side.   Left knee seems to be having a familiar pain, the same kind that i felt when my right knee had the cartilage problem.

In spite of it all, i’m still jumping and running and diving and shooting.

Doesn’t it feel good to be alive. 😀

Composite self-assembled monolayers have shown improved lubricity than only one layer of SAM coated on Si. Earlier tests on PFPE coated SAMs have shown that they are extremely efficient in reducing friction and wear of Si. This project involves both macro as well nano sliding/scratching characteristics of various composite monolayers and ultra-thin polymer films on Si surface. Student is expected to design and carry out tests for the deposition of the composite films and their physical as well chemical characteristics. Tribological tests will be carried out using both micro tribometer and nano-scratch tester. Correlation between these two tests is made to get further insights about various wear mechanisms.

This is going to be my Final Year Project.

Honestly i don’t really know which direction this kinda thing is supposed to take, or the necessary steps or procedures or experiments that i will have to do, but i suppose it’s generally the same with every other student like me.  At the very least i have the comfort that i will already have the know-how for any of the apparatus in the materials lab, thanks to my VIP.

Self

I’ve always wanted to prove myself.  From a young age, i joined the hardest sports, did the most impossible things, put myself through crazy experiences just to prove that i’m someone of worth.

We all want to be noticed, don’t we?

Even now, sometimes i do things reflexively to prove that i’m somebody.  Not just another human being on the face of this earth, i’m somebody.  Prove to who, you might ask?  To myself.  To no-one but myself.

Now that i think about it, it’s ironic that one does such a thing to prove to oneself the opposite of one’s own doubts.  I do that to prevent myself from being in the middle of my greatest fear – to die alone.  I always thought that when i die i want lots of people at my funeral, because it means that a lot of people would miss me (that is, assuming they all came with the right intentions and not to spit on my grave).  It would mean that even though i would be referred to in the past tense, at the very least i would not be forgotten and perhaps i might even live on to be a legend.

Now, even though i still want to prove that i’m somebody every now and then, and that my worth holds, i no longer wish to have a horde of mourners at my funeral.  It may sound weird, but i wish them to be happy that i’ve left and am now in a better place.  Or simply remembered by one or two as someone who was true.

But even then, sometimes my resolution falters as i ask whether i will really go to where i want to go.  Sometimes i still want to be someone big.

Like Spiderman.  Or Wolverine.  Or Deadpool.  Or some guy with cool powers like optic beams, weather control, flight, super strength, and so on and so forth. I still dream that i get blasted by some freak accident of cosmic rays and turn silver or gain x-ray vision or something.  But in the end, that’s just a dream.

We all can dream, can’t we?

In the end, all i wanna do that is realistic is play handball, graduate well, get the job i want, earn some moolah, buy a house and raise a family.  To be a good father, husband, grandfather, role model, son, Christian.

But i can’t help but feel that my destiny holds more than just that.

Grr.

I need to be stronger.

Of the duration of my internship, that is.

I’ve been rather drained lately, hence the lack of posts.  It’s been continuous work day in and day out (mental at least, if not physical) and that kinda took a toll on me.  As a result, i’ve been on the rather grumpy side the past few days, and i’m not too proud of that – i think i’ve even done things subconsciously that weren’t very nice.  But i guess all’s done and over with and i’ll just have to live with it.

Had a meeting with my internship/FYP prof on friday and he mentioned on how we’re going to finish a paper for the postgrad student’s thesis (as my internship project), and then when the sem starts i can start on my FYP.  Although i’m thrilled that at the very least i get some form of recognition in the end product of my internship and i’m not just another intern that they push around and then get rid of, it’s a little disconcerting that i only start my FYP at the beginning of the sem, which wasn’t what i was told initially.  I’ll admit that i could probably use the data that i’m procuring now for the means of research and the skills come in handy, and i honestly don’t mind simply starting my FYP along with everyone else, but it bothers me that i was told otherwise.

On a separate note, in recent days i’ve been meeting people with various attitude problems, those that push responsibility to others while they just enjoy themselves while slacking, those that don’t keep their promises, those that have no sense of duty or conscience.  (if you’re reading this, you’ll know who you are, and i’m not afraid to say it’s you) As much as i can’t and won’t condemn you people, i still feel disgusted at your actions, your blatant lack of responsibility and your hypocrisy that you so gallantly spread as you try to sound so refined.

Happy things! Spent the weekend out again and had a fun time (though i know i was rather grumpy) playing bangbang and all.  Sorry i was rather snapper at most things, i guess i don’t really have a legitimate reason to say i was grumpy, so yeah.  If i had a broken leg or something then maybe that would explain it, but i didn’t so yeah. XP

I also drew something recently, copied the style off an artist who draws rather well in my opinion and learned a few things in the process about drawing.  It’s been a really long time since i had ideas or took up a pencil and drew something decent, and i’m rather pleased with this one, the first female character that i draw that looks real.  But i haven’t been able to get fingers and legs done properly, so for now i’m just going to let them fade off into oblivion 😀

-mood-

Woke up this morning feeling really moody.  Honestly, didn’t feel like going to work.  Didn’t really feel like doing anything productive.  In fact, didn’t really feel like doing all the things that were originally planned for the day.

I was kinda looking forward to the weekend, for some time out and some rest, but i looked at what the weekend holds…it’s not PACKED but it’s filled with things that i don’t really feel like doing.  And the things i really want to do aren’t confirmed/can’t be confirmed.  But i guess that’s part of life, how some things just have to move along the way..heh.

So here i am in the lab again, running tests and my Prof. wants to see me later.  I wonder what for.  I always get the jitters whenever he says he wants to see me.

I’ve been feeling rather fragile lately, it’s like if you happen to remove some part of my daily (though i can hardly call it normal) life i’d just fall apart.

I guess we all have our times like this and so i’ve learnt not to hate feeling this way, though i must admit that some lingering amount of dislike for this kind of feeling.  These are times where i have various mood swings and can go from ultra-high to a melancholy low in a matter of minutes.  To no offense to others, i must say that i’m rather glad that this happens usually a few times a year and not regularly like once a month.

As much as i can, i try not to dwell on it.  From taking quiet moments to playing games to reading, i’ve tried to shift focus, but it seems that it always leads back to that.

But ah well.  This is the way i am, and i’ll have to deal with it along the road of life.

I just thought i’d put something here coz it’s been really silent haha.

I haven’t been putting up anything much these days – the past week has been pretty much a hectic rush at work with preparing samples and running insanely long friction wear tests. We’ve moved from 100,000 cycles (which takes about 3.5 hours) to 300,000 cycles (you do the math). As you can imagine this pretty much takes up the entire day, which has left me rather tired at the end of last week because it was continuous waking up early and sleeping late with hardly a break inbetween during working hours.

That being said, i managed to squeeze in playing Aria of Sorrow and Harmony of Dissonance again. Finally finished both but i don’t think i’ll be playing Circle of the Moon because 1) that one’s kinda hard to play, and 2) i’d rather concentrate on FFI at this point of time. Boy i miss save states and spacebar throttles. But then again i can’t really complain coz i’m playing the anniversary version which looks SO much better than what appears originally.

Random thought: the reading on the graph that i’m looking at and sitting in front of now don’t look too friendly – i hope it doesn’t mean that the cantilever has spoiled again because that’s a pain in the ass. Plus, we don’t have anymore spare parts and i really don’t want to have to do the calibration all over again.  But even if it is there’s nothing much i can do about it if it’s already broken except look out for awry results so that i won’t have too many weird results, so i’ll just have to be careful.

All of a sudden while i was running the wear test today i remembered one of the funniest matches from SHL this year.

It happened when Alex was still around and we were watching intently hoping for him to make some fancy shot so that we could learn some tricks.  What actually happened was that he made this shot that missed by just a bit, but we knew he could have put it into the goal because he’d done it a dozen times before.  Upon seeing this mistake, he let fly a long string of words in French (he is from France after all).

We honestly didn’t know what it mean, but it did sound impressive, so we asked him after the match about what he said – and that was were we found out he was swearing in French, the translated version rivaling any Hokkien or Cantonese vulgarity you can conjure.

Now it wouldn’t have been so funny if not for the fact that he had said it was such a straight face the first time round that you would have thought he could very well have been saying “good morning” to the players.  In fact, even when he repeated it, it still sounded extremely refined and polite.

Can you imagine if you were to scold someone in a foreign language that he/she doesn’t know? The other person would most likely simply react on your body language and facial expressions, which means that if you were to scold him the most vulgar insult and still smile and put your hand forward to shake his, he’d probably just think you were being friendly if he didn’t understand the language. Maybe he’d even be thanking you for your “kind comments” hahahahahahaha.

Isn’t it funny how people pretend to know something they don’t? I guess we all do that sometimes…even i do.

VIP?

For those of you who haven’t noticed, i’ve already stopped blogging about my VIP.  I initially started it to record the interesting happenings that go on in the days without boring each of you with the technical details, but i realized that if i leave out the technical details every post is going to be the same because the experiments are the same – the only difference is in the conclusion and the samples and analysis and as i already said i don’t want to bore you guys with the details, it rules out that as well.

That being said, Internship-ing isn’t all that cracked up as it sounds.  Sure it’s a tad boring and sometimes tiring, but that happens too often as far as i’m concerned.  Now that we’ve increased the length of the wear life test, each test takes an entire day (plus OT) to do, compared to being able to squeeze three tests in a day if i came at 8 and left at 6.

It’s kinda the same each day and i reallyreallyreallyreally look forward to getting back to the room each night.