I’ve always wanted to prove myself.  From a young age, i joined the hardest sports, did the most impossible things, put myself through crazy experiences just to prove that i’m someone of worth.

We all want to be noticed, don’t we?

Even now, sometimes i do things reflexively to prove that i’m somebody.  Not just another human being on the face of this earth, i’m somebody.  Prove to who, you might ask?  To myself.  To no-one but myself.

Now that i think about it, it’s ironic that one does such a thing to prove to oneself the opposite of one’s own doubts.  I do that to prevent myself from being in the middle of my greatest fear – to die alone.  I always thought that when i die i want lots of people at my funeral, because it means that a lot of people would miss me (that is, assuming they all came with the right intentions and not to spit on my grave).  It would mean that even though i would be referred to in the past tense, at the very least i would not be forgotten and perhaps i might even live on to be a legend.

Now, even though i still want to prove that i’m somebody every now and then, and that my worth holds, i no longer wish to have a horde of mourners at my funeral.  It may sound weird, but i wish them to be happy that i’ve left and am now in a better place.  Or simply remembered by one or two as someone who was true.

But even then, sometimes my resolution falters as i ask whether i will really go to where i want to go.  Sometimes i still want to be someone big.

Like Spiderman.  Or Wolverine.  Or Deadpool.  Or some guy with cool powers like optic beams, weather control, flight, super strength, and so on and so forth. I still dream that i get blasted by some freak accident of cosmic rays and turn silver or gain x-ray vision or something.  But in the end, that’s just a dream.

We all can dream, can’t we?

In the end, all i wanna do that is realistic is play handball, graduate well, get the job i want, earn some moolah, buy a house and raise a family.  To be a good father, husband, grandfather, role model, son, Christian.

But i can’t help but feel that my destiny holds more than just that.

  1. purpleviolets

    Dropping by to say hi. you’re right, all of us want to prove ourselves in one way or another. I think about this from time to time too. But you know what? We just have to go ahead and do things that we want to do, and whatever that may be, we don’t regret it. How our lives will turn out in the end, no one knows. The most impt thing is that you’ve lived it to the fullest, isn’t it? =) Just sharing my thoughts. Meanwhile enjoy the rest of the vacation bah!

  2. hello there,

    just writing to say i liked that.

    keep writing!

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