Archive for August, 2007

Yes i’m blogging this during lecture, but for the record i’m still paying attention.  😀 Besides, it’s basically announcements at this point of time – although by the time i’ve finished with this i don’t think it will still be announcements.

Tutorials have started, although it doesn’t impact me as much since i dropped jap – in reality i only have one tutorial.  But the third week reminds of other things that will need attention, one of which is my Final Year Project (spelling it all out here since some people don’t know what it is) which has come to a standstill because neither of us working on it have absolutely no idea how to progress.  I’ll spare everyone the technical details, but suffice to say that we’re asked to delve deeper into the theory and mechanisms behind polymer adhesions (ok that’s enough engineering lingo).  What’s comforting is that if even a PhD student doesn’t know how to progress, i’m feeling a little more safe about not knowing as well 😛

Remembering the past years and semesters, even though it’s only the third week, very soon it will pass right by and the midsem break will come and go – and then the exams will come and so on and so forth till it’s the end of my final year as an undergraduate in NUS.  I haven’t decided to further my studies, although i’ve received positive and negative points about doing so (thanks to all who gave their input).

And so activities will start soon.  It was a very messy points forum about the whole thing and i would like to blog about it except for the fact it would be far too long.  But back to the point, activities will start soon and i can expect that everyone will start to be very busy, and there will be less free time all around.  I don’t know if i’m looking forward to it at all.

But yeah. 🙂

Ka-Blamm

I hate the feeling of being defeated.

Thinking

I’ve been thinking about thinking.

No, seriously. It all started when i got an offer (as to what, those who know me will know) that was honestly the opportunity of a lifetime.  My parents said “go for it”.  My professor of course says “yes”.  My good friends tell me that once this chance passes it will never come again, not as good as it is.  Of course, their advice is invaluable and appreciated, but i’m weird – i don’t just take it; i think about it.

And it occurs to me all of a sudden that a lot of Christians don’t think about such things. I’ve asked quite a few i know in the process about certain things and did my own analysis, which is to no means conclusive, but i’ve concluded that the vast majority of Christians who are young adults don’t think about what they are following and as a result end up being rather naive, following orders blindly.

Although i do admit that such faith in God is commendable and should be emphasized, i don’t believe faith is a call to naivety – in fact, most of the mature Christians i know are far knowledgable of the workings of this world and what to expect from it in response to particular actions.  Let me clarify – just because you know how the world works doesn’t mean you’re part of the world (and i mean world in the Christian sense, if you’ll pardon the jargon.  Of course, if you want to ask something or clarify, please leave a comment) and it doesn’t mean you have to follow it.  Rather, it depends on your own response to the situation.  Anyone can cheat you of something if they’re skilled enough, but that doesn’t mean you blatantly allow them to, as much as you trust God to protect you.  And i see no point in saying things like “thank God for His miraculous healing: when i took two Panadols, my headache disappeared!”  There’s nothing miraculous – it’s expected.  If you had AIDS and then took two Panadol and got cured then it’s different altogether. And just so we’re clear, thanking God for the existance of Panadol and its healing effects is totally ok with me too – i believe ren did that once, and i do that too.

As such, i’m not too sure how i feel about things when they become overly spiritualized.  Suddenly church is holy and (for example) hall is not; but who’s to say i can’t do hall activities and show my faith in that manner?  If we are supposed to be spiritual beings then everything, bar none, is suppose to be spiritual, and to the glory of God.  Why can’t i play handball for God? (Though admittedly i’m also doing it for myself)  Why can’t i sing in the choir for God or as i did, be part of the orientation committee for God? What makes it any less than going to church?  I believe it doesn’t.  I believe that our God would much rather prefer a garbage-picker who does his job for God rather than a Christian who goes to church because “he has to”.

But back the the point – people sometimes don’t think when they do or say things.  I’ve spoken before, eons back, on how hard words can hit and i won’t say that again because it’s too long and i’m too lazy.  But people, following into faith isn’t about being innocent-minded and naive to the ways of the world; it’s about doing all you can and that which is humanly possible, and letting God take care of the rest.  It’s not about leaving your windows and doors open and praying that a burglar doesn’t come in; install a burglar alarm and beef up security around your house, then pray that someone who knows how to disable them doesn’t come along because the latter is not within your control.  The former? I think you’re asking for it.

I’m not trying to be harsh here and i know i sound like it.  This is just how my thoughts formulate, so don’t judge me for who i am and who i was created to be.  I’ve received comments like “wow you sure sound harsh on this blog… you shouldn’t be so harsh” and i’ve promptly deleted them because this is my blog and my life and as long i don’t do anything wrong i have every right to put my feelings and thoughts up here so if you’re not happy then don’t click on my URL again.  But obviously i’m not going to open up my entire life here for everyone to read, it’s just thoughts and if i want to keep it private i’ll either password it or not blog it. 🙂

It’s as simple as that. 😀

That aside, it’s been rather hectic and i’m already tired from three days of lessons.  I honestly think FYP should be considered two modules per sem with the workload that i’m being given.  At the same time i also realize that some people have a rather slack FYP so i guess it can’t be helped, and besides, if it really ended up as two modules a sem then perhaps the workload will be more and there’ll still be people who have a slack time, so maybe the way it is is just fine. 🙂

Yes i’m a thinker, and i like it that way 🙂

IT’S ALIIIIIIVE!

Once upon a time, there was Pon and Zi.

Due to many copyright reasons and people stealing the artist’s property, he was forced to take down his stuff from most public places.

Now, he’s back (actually for some time) and i have discovered him here !!!

=)

Decisions

And so i’ve been given an offer to do a master’s degree after i finish my term in NUS as an undergraduate.

As much as i really want to start working and teaching, i also have to admit that chances like this don’t come everyday.  At the same time, i also realize the advantages of getting a master’s degree, even if i want to go into teaching. But i really don’t like writing the papers that i most likely will have to do if i take up the master’s programme.  Although i’m told that non-research programmes don’t require me to write a paper, i think this programme being offered to me is.

So i’m stuck as to whether i should just plow through the programme, even though i find some of it interesting, or just start teaching already.  It sucks to have to make such a decision, in which the effects can only be seen super far down the road.

Just what the title said.

Most major thing that happened academically is that i decided to drop Jap1 despite what i said earlier.  Of course my usual stubborn self wanted to prove to everyone that i could do it, but i guess some things simply have to be laid down, especially when taking it up means i have to sacrifice all my other time.  In short, taking it would have nullified my FYP because i would have had no time whatsoever to go to the lab – and so in spite of what i said earlier, and the fact that i had already bought all the course materials, i dropped the module.  Which isn’t to say i’m abandoning all hope of learning it, i could still take it up by myself in my own time…but for now at least my timetable looks a lot free-er if not for the fact that almost all my free periods have plans for them already.

It’s the end of the first week of a new sem, a new year.  At times i really wish i did more that i had hoped to do in the holidays, that i took up drawing again, writing again and all that, but there didn’t seem to be that much time as i had hoped.

I’ve also been getting annoyed at people who are so full of themselves, who blow their own trumpet and speak big things which are usually false.  Honestly, given the chance, i’d like to put them in their place.  But i guess that’s not for me to do, really, and as much i would want to and don’t care about conventions and all that, i think this time following it won’t hurt.

I’m sick of being the bad guy anyway.  Can’t we all just assume the best in everyone and be considerate and thoughtful to everyone else?  Why do we have to slam someone when we don’t even know the full story?  Conversely, why are people who are doing such things getting away scot free?  I’d like to think that even if it wasn’t perfect, if everyone would simply think about the comfort of others and put others first, everyone would feel important but nobody acts important.  Unfortunately there are people who will take advantage of that system; maybe i’m just naive, but i still think i can change the world. All it takes is one person at a time.

Just one more.

And then one more.

And after that, one more.

And before long you’d have made an impact on a nation, which will impact just one nation.  And one more. And you get the idea.

And then the world would be a better place, no?

Naive? Maybe. But all dreams start somewhere, and i’d rather have such a dream than to tire myself out by assuming the worst in everyone and gripe about every possible situation.  I’d rather do something about it.

Yeah, i know some of you are out there reading this and going “what a typical male, to always want to do something”.  News flash: that’s the last thing any of my friends would call me.  I’m even called effeminate, forget about being the typical male – more like a typical female.   But you know what?  I don’t care.  I don’t care if you think i’m gay or i’m stupid or i’m naive.  Because at the end of the day i can say i tried – can you?

But enough about that.  It sounds like i’m really angry even though i’m not and i don’t like that. It’s been a hectic first week, and although i’m glad to have the weekend, part of me also knows that at this point of time it’s just a breather for the next week, and each week gets harder. Sometimes i just wanna lay back and chill, but ah well, no rest for the wicked i guess.

It reoccured to me what a shock it is to have a good dump and then turn to the side and find there’s no toilet paper. O_O

Fortunately, i merely turned in the wrong direction 😀

That aside, the week is passing by too fast.  I mean, i want to graduate, but i didn’t want the year to pass by this fast.  Be careful for what you wish for i guess.  Kinda stressed out academically because i realized that Jap 1 isn’t as easy as it sounded, and i’m not like people who can pick up the language (or languages) quickly – it took me a year to learn how to speak Mandarin, not to mention how to write it.  But i figure i might as well take it up since i’ve gotten the course pack and attended the lecture and all – who knows, everything might turn out fine in the end.

なんくるないさ…

Semester 7

And so the semester has started – the first semester of my final year.

I have a lot of grieviances recently, and only a select few have had the opportunity (or burden) of hearing me.  Let’s make it straight – i don’t like emotional blackmail, nor do i like being pushed to do something just because someone else doesn’t want to, nor do i like people with poor attitudes and think that they’re the best in the world.

That being said, i’m thinking that this semester is going to be rather rushed.  Despite the fact that NUS puts the final year project as a 8 MC module spanning across two semesters (i.e. a 4MC module each semester), it really is much more than that, often requiring us final years to spend most of our time on it – which is rather irritating because some people like me still have many other things that we want to do.  I guess we’d all say that it boils down to priorities and i totally agree, but should you place yourself in my shoes i’d guarantee that you’d still have a hard to time making ends meet in terms of time.

Still, this is goin to be an interesting semester and i hope to see something good come at the end of it, and i’m not just referring to grades. ^^

I said something similar to what i’m going to say before, but this time i’m not going to spare so much details.

I think being a final year (and in the process gaining some form of unseen and unofficial authority) brings out bad points in people.  Like how some people whom i initially didn’t mind knowing i now truly detest and find it hard for me to be around them because of the attitude they show.  Let me first point out that these are a select few people that i’m referring to, not necessarily in NUS.  Let me also point out that i did and still do respect those final years before me, as well as any elder whom has earned my respect with wisdom, enthusiasm, knowledge, shrewdness, etc.  But let me also say that just because you’re a final year (or as mentioned earlier, just because you’re older) doesn’t mean that you know everything, have been everywhere.

Be warned, i’m not going to mince my words in this post.  The people referred to may be obvious if you know them and i don’t really care if the person him/herself reads it.

Just because you want to know the exact timings for everything and i happen to be the guy beside you doesn’t mean that i have to know the information that you desire.  In fact, you should know who to ask if you really want the information (as you claim) for some “important business”.  Although i was a member of the orientation committee last year, it doesn’t mean i know precisely what’s going on this year and i’m sure as hell glad that i had friends around me at that point of time or i would have done something drastic to you because my not knowing does not quantify you hurling vulgarities at me, and saying that i’m “lousy” and “screwed up”.  Ironically, you can make the same claim that you’re not the designer for float and thus don’t know what’s going on this year.  Stop spewing your wants about and shut your trap if you don’t know what’s going on, being final year doesn’t mean you’re entitled to scold anyone you want – especially people who aren’t likely to take such things lightly, like me.

Just because you’re older and have a job and supposedly have seen more of “the real world” than me doesn’t make your opinions correct.  What makes it even harder for me to stomach is that you insist that your understanding is right and create your ditzy assumptions to slam other, saying that they do things for their own benefit and have no thought for others when in reality you don’t see that all that you’re doing does exactly the same.  You turn to people to talk when you feel lonely and at your convenience, and you claim to want to show kindness that will spread through the world.  You can call yourself jaded and me naive, but i really don’t care because i know what i’m doing and at the very least i like to give people the benefit of the doubt; if you can’t handle it and you want to assume the worst of everyone then please go ahead – i’ll keep my life simple, thank you.

Just because you want to hear the sightings in hall, doesn’t mean i have to go out of my way and tell you.  If you ask me i will, but i don’t see any reason to be dissed or to be demanded that all visual information i obtain be automatically passed down to you – if you’re so interested, which you claim you’re not in the first place, then look for it yourself.  It’s not like i go hunt for such things anyway.  And i find it extremely distasteful and unfriendly for you to whine that i didn’t mention anything to you but only to another; it just happened that i was talking to that person at the time, and besides, none of you were around.  For the record, if you chatting to me on msn or in my room i would have told you as well by way of conversation – you want so badly to know, go find out yourself.

And that’s just a taste of what i have in mind.  I’d very much like to spew some expletives here but i shall not.  I know there will be some who read this and think i’m unloving and unforgiving; i can’t refute that because i’ve reached the limit.  Yes, if they are in trouble i will step out and help, but don’t expect me to respect you for your character, though i will respect you for the things that worth doing so.

I know i sound grumpy saying all that, but i’ve had it.  On top of that, i’ve had a three-day streak without proper sleep, due to a recurring nightmare that wakes me up every 2 hours.  It sucks to not be able to sleep more tha 2 hours at a shot, and what really pisses me off is that i can’t even remember what the damn nightmare was about – it’s like i just wake up from shock and then it gets erased from my memory. I would like to remember it so that i don’t get woken up again by the shock factor (at least i’d recognize it when i enter the dream, and yes i can do things like that) and finally get some proper sleep, but it seems it isn’t happening.   Furthermore, there’s time i want to spend but i can’t, for obvious reasons, and that makes me a little emo.

Pissed + very very very very sleepy + emo = not a good combination.

By the way, this just came as a random thought: if any of you happen to be praying for me and God said anything for you to say to me, do let me know.  I’d be deeply appreciative. =)

Time to try and sleep again.  The third time today.  Here’s hoping for a sleep that lasts more than 2 hours.

…we Christians have to stop putting labels and stereotypes on people and judging or condemning them.  Stop pushing your own ideals and interpretations on another and go back to basics.

Whatever happened to being full of love? Whatever happened to introspection and self-discipline?