I don’t really know what to title this post. (+edit)

October 9, 2007 in my faith, Thoughts

In case you all haven’t noticed, which i will presume you all haven’t, i haven’t updated in a long long time. It’s not that i don’t have any more opinions or frustrations, and i would think i could easily pass off this period of absence as attributed to busyness, but seeing as i still have time to read comics and watch anime and all that. There’s even sometimes where i log in and prepare a title for a post and then all of a sudden i don’t feel like blogging anymore. Then i close the window, rather than force it out into a very incoherent post.

I think things have been very…hm i don’t know if “surreal” is the word. It hit me recently that i have a lot of things to do, plenty of tutorials/assignments/tests/projects coming up and i’m a little taken aback at the amount of work. At times i worry about my FYP and where it’s going. I’m certain that everything will turn out fine in the end so i’m not killing myself over late nights (although i have been getting late nights anyway) but it doesn’t stop me from getting rather flustered at times over it. Sometimes i escape to my world of monsters and mutants, sometimes to outer-space mecha, sometimes to handball, but eventually i still get back to it and face my outer demons.

It’s weird, because i’ve been a little sad for some time, and i haven’t been sad for a long time. I applied for my Masters’ degree, but suddenly i don’t feel like doing it anymore. I want a full break away from academics for an extended period of time, but i can’t afford to, and knowing me i’d probably not enjoy it because i’ll be thinking of work the entire time i’m “away”. But i suppose being vaguely sad is caused by the way my friends all suddenly treat me. People who suddenly shun me, give black faces when i’m around, friends who suddenly don’t talk anymore or talk to me like i’m there to take their shit for them and solve their problems magically and so on. Some of you reading this might be thinking “Dude, this is the real world. Wake up and smell the coffee, coz this is how it is, with no one behind you and you gotta stand on your own.” If you are planning on telling me that, don’t bother because i don’t believe you. Seriously, i don’t, and it’s not the childish whining “i don’t believe you” that i made back there; i have proof for what i believe in.

There are people who care. I have family and close friends, soulmates and brothers, people who believe in me and someone who stays in my heart. And to all you people out there who believe you have to stand on your own, i feel very sorry for you, especially if you’re the kind that simply assumes that everything is deliberately against you. But then again, if you’re that kind of person then you won’t really realize you are. I have people i enjoy talking to, and people who care enough to make me happy (even if it’s just one person) but that’s enough for me to live for, and you who think you have to stand on your own will never understand the joy that face being with these people.

I’m not depressed; i hardly have a reason to be, with necessities not lacking, and few wants left to fill. I think the feeling of being swamped with work gets to me, but i doubt it’s limited to that. I don’t really know how to conclude my feelings and how i feel because i’m not too sure about how i feel myself. It’s a little disconcerting because i don’t like the feeling of not knowing what is wrong with myself. I guess at the end of the day there’s still this little respite when i talk to God and calm my mind and heart.

People ask me why i bother to be a Christian. It’s simple: i believe in what Jesus said and did. And if you believe in something, it’s the best reason to give all you’ve got for it.

In other news, i just performed yesterday with the rest of the official RH Band – it feels good to be on stage again, really. It’s like there’s a whole new arena for me when i’m up there and i can do funny things. Playing for worship is different – not less fun, but just different. And it was great – except for the fact that the bass connection kept coming out for some unknown weird reason so there were sections that the bass suddenly cut off (sorry jack!) but thankfully i managed to get it back in before long bleh. I think after so long with playing bass, i’ve probably lost a lot of my guitar skills. Still, i can’t deny that i prefer the guitar to the bass – it’s more….complete to me. 😀