Archive for January, 2008

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There’s this feeling inside now, that i haven’t felt in a long time.  I’ve had it before but i can’t remember why, when or how.  All i know is that it’s back and it’s wrenching my heart in two and i’m left rather confused about how i’m feeling again, back at square one.

I’ve drafted so many posts to try and let this feeling out, but it doesn’t connect to the words.  They just don’t fit properly.

So i’m left with only this….feeling.

Thoughts from a friend:

The only possible reason for you to be judging someone is for you to be absolutely, perfectly righteous.

But if you’re righteous…shouldn’t you be forgiving them instead?

I have more thoughts on this topic, but i’ll think them true and release them later.  In the meantime, all comments are welcome as i’d like to hear your thoughts, but moderation will be turned on to avoid offensive and sensitive content. (thanks for understanding about that)

Common Ground

It’s always nice to have common ground.

When you have problems and you realize that people around you have problems, sometimes you feel comforted that you’re not the only one who faces those kinda things that you do.  It’s one thing to think about not being the only one, but another to know that you’re not and the other people who face it are your friends and are on your side, not so much the “misery loves company” issue, but more of “a cord of three strands is not easily broken”.

It’s also good to know that when you start to make a decision (like mine, to isolate myself from a particular group of people) that you’re not the only one making or having made that decision.

Sometimes people can hold each other together and face the world.  It’s always harder to face the world alone.

Work

If you work smart, you will only know what is necessary to do your current job, and not rise any further as you don’t take the initiative. You might get the job done with minimal effort, which is good, but you might not have reached your potential nor done the best you could.

If you work hard, you will just be toiling through drudgery and pushing yourself through each mundane day, sometimes without much direction or sense of completion at all.  Moreover, working hard doesn’t guarantee good results in your work, although the former is required for the latter.

It often requires a balance of two to accomplish something, especially when you work consistently with a purpose in mind.  To enjoy what you do is important, not just in enjoying the work from the start, but learning to see the value and from there enjoying it.

In case it hasn’t been obvious just yet, i’m very much a gadget person.  I like tinkering around with them, playing with them, changing things about them and if my budget allows, getting new ones.  I enthusiastically read about advances in mobile phones, laptops, graphics cards, and whatnot. I like tweaking my laptop settings, playing around with new OSes (though admittedly my Ubuntu is sitting there untouched for quite some time), and stuff like that, and i really have a hard time resisting when i see a well designed device that is practical and especially one i would actually use.

That being said, my phone is dying and i’m in the market for a new phone once again – i’m looking for something preferably with wifi, able to chat on msn (or windows live, as they call it) and has pda functions which i will definitely use to keep track of my appointments, calendar and contacts.  I would very much like to wait for the iPhone to come out, but i’m not too sure if a lot of functions that i want will be available on it, or whether the price tag is within what i can spend, or (most importantly) whether my phone can hold out till it comes.

What’s wrong with my phone you ask?

1) when people sms me sometimes i don’t get it

2) Sometimes i do get it but there’s no notification

3) When people call me the phone doesn’t ring even though the other person seems to be getting through.

4) When it does get through sometimes the caller ID doesn’t work

5) It tends to shut down and restart by itself (or sometimes just shut down and i have to manually restart it), even when i’m in a call

6) During a call, it’s not uncommon for the sound to suddenly go haywire, and i have to cancel the call and call the person again

That’s just what’s wrong with my phone.  Now what do i look for in the new phone which i hope to get?

1) Wifi access

2) PDA functions (e.g. calendar that actually works like an organizer, not the wimpy nokia calendar which is damn hard to input new appointments)

3) Internet Browser

4) MSN/Windows live messenger

5) Notepad functions (though admittedly with a good internet browser i’d just take notes on google docs)

6) touchscreen!

7) camera – but a small one would do…..2MP is more than enough for me, but as i understand it, rare is the phone with only 2MP for the camera resolution, so that’s not too much of a concern.

I suppose you will now understand why i’m looking at the iPhone as a viable option.  I’m not too sure about the compatibility and all that, but i don’t suppose it will be too much of a hassle.  I’m still open to the other phones though, like HTC and Dopod and all that, as long as they would preferably have what i want 😀

Presentation

FYP Interim Presentation in less than an hour and i really don’t feel like doing anything.

I hope all this mood stuff clears up fast fast fast fast.

Like “now” kinda fast.

Had a lot on my thoughts but they all just seem to floating around with nothing much concrete to work on.  Weird dreams too, what with Terror Bites (or what looks like), funny characters whom i’ve never seen before in my life.  Not very pleasant to wake up every hour or less only to realize that you just had the same nightmare/dream for the fifth or sixth time that night.

And of course all these results in a lack of sleep again; to think i was just beginning to get my bioclock stable again.

To Live

Laugh when you can, cry when you should,
Don’t misunderstand nor make misunderstood,
Breathe in the air with the scents on the wind,
Celebrate loud! (but not too much of a din)
Stand by your friends, Learn how to give,
Understand how not to forget but forgive,
Learn from your pains, cherish your smiles,
Choose what you do to make your time worthwhile,
Heave when it hurts, rest after you run,
Discipline yourself to to make hay while there’s sun
Give what you can, ask what you need,
Be thankful for everything you have and heed,
Be kind to your enemies, treat your friends well,
Never let praise make your ego swell,
Honour your parents, both mom and dad,
And appreciate the sacrifices made in your stead,
Remember what you know, and learn what you don’t,
Never do to others what to yourself you won’t,
Speak from your heart after going through your brains,
Know what will perish one day, what remains,
Care for your family, stand for your will,
Hold on when it’s easy, when tough hold on still!
Learn from the bad, treasure the good,
Don’t do stuff someone you don’t like would,
Try not to let thoughts take you captive, nor dreams,
Mean what you say, and say what you mean,
Look to others before looking to self,
Never hoard nor despise your God-given wealth.

To live, laugh and love.

Today

I know a lot of my posts have been very angsty and downright angry – It’s been a tough week with certain unhappy things happening and people refusing to admit they’re wrong and that’s that.

However, the week is over and i’m grateful for those who msged me to show concern, those who silently prayed for me, and those who stuck by my side through the past week even though if you were by my side you’d probably have gotten the same treatment, more or less.

Today’s sermon was a alleviation of what i had been fearing in academics, handball and other things.  How i always feared not meeting up to other’s expectations, having to fit into someone else’s shoes, having to do this and do that.  Despite the fact that i really do perform better if i’m relaxed, i still pressure myself with these thoughts only to have them backfire at me.  But today, i was reminded that i really don’t have to do something just to meet up to human standards.  I compare myself to many others, hoping i will reach their standards, and i’m not saying that having a target or looking up to someone is bad, but the fact is, whose standards really matter?

So what’s the link between recollection of the past week and today’s sermon? Now i know who my friends are, who are those whom i can depend on in times of need, who is truthful with me be it good or bad things, and so on.  In short, the people who have stood by me or supported me in one way or another are really the ones i want to keep, because most (if not all) recognise me for who i am and what i’m worth.  No hard feelings to those who wrote me off as a failure, but i guess when i’m in danger and i need saving it’s not likely that you guys will be the one hauling my ass out of the fire.

Ok enough with that kinda talk, it’s the second week of school and FYP presentations are due – mine’s tomorrow.  It’s kinda weird and maybe it has to do with the fact that i’m taking less modules this semester than i ever have, since i’ve fulfilled most of my requirements already, but i’m still not in the mood to do any significant work, except for my FYP.  I have a bad feeling that in the third week when tutorials set in i’ll be rushing work as usual, and hopefully IHG season ends soon so that i can free up more time for matters other than training, though i suppose i’ll still go for it regularly just for the physical and the fitness maintenance.

I’m still waiting for my reply from NUS about my Master’s application, and i’m not too sure about whether i still want it or not.  I don’t really know what to expect anymore, and i guess things will just have to come one at a time.  It’s times like this that i wish for days that have passed, when things were so much simpler, because there were less decisions to be made.  Yet i appreciate the freedom that i have now, to choose what i want to do, and soon (hopefully) to earn my own keep, which is what i’ve always wanted. 

But i guess, either way, that’s not too far off.

Sniffs

I’m not really clear why, but things have been rather gloomy these days, unfortunate circumstances nonwithstanding.

Somehow friends don’t seem to respond the same anymore, and a few i fear i’m losing.  As much as i don’t have a dependence on them, i would also appreciate not losing them because i still consider them friends.

Things have not been smooth sailing, and i have no idea why.  It just seems that way.

I had to separate this from the previous (vaguely humourous) post because i didn’t want to confuse the tone of the two.  Besides, i like the headers to signify what the post is going to be on about.  This one has two parts.

Let’s set this straight: I don’t like whinings. (part 1)

It’s ok if it’s part of fun, and we’re all joking around and people whine in a joking manner.  That’s totally ok, and i do that sometimes too because it doesn’t mean anything in the situation.  But to whine when you want people to do something for you, when you can’t seem to achieve the progress you wanted, when you simply are at a loss for things, then i’m not very inclined to listen to you.

Note that i never said you can’t do it, i just said that i may not listen.

I might take it from certain people, even willingly so, because they are close to me or important to me, but even then there’s a line to be drawn.

Some real-life examples and my thoughts:

 

Example 1: Your FYP is not moving as fast as you’d like it to and you whine that it’s a total loss, you’re stuck in it, it’s at a standstill, etc etc

Response: First of all, you’re exaggerating, which is a common thing for people who are whining to do.  But that means you’re not saying things as they are, i.e. not telling the truth.  I can understand the frustration, but the response is totally unaccounted for, because there are still things you can do about it.  My immediate impression of you is someone whom if i were your boss and i told you that i need something critically important done within the next hour, you’d curl up and die.  If i were an employer, i’d at least appreciate that if my employees were to clarify what needs to be done.

 

Example 2: You were unable to to something due to other committments, and people ask you why you were unable to finish that something, so you whine that you had other things to do.

Response: Now at least the truth is being told, but presentation-wise i think simply explaining calmly that there are other things to do works much better than whining. Much, much, better.  No body’s accusing you of being a slacker, or that your priorities are screwy (yet) but in case you didn’t know, you just gave them a reason to do so.

 

Now i know i’m not exactly the world’s most patient person, and for your information i never professed to be.  I may or may not listen, depending on who you are and how important the situation is, to your whining, but it doesn’t give me a better impression you; in fact it gives me a worse one.  For friends reading this who converse with me over email (and there are quite a few), relax.  I refer here to a select number of people whom i sometimes talk to in person and who do this on a regular basis; it’s a little hard to whine in the fashion that annoys me over email because you have to be really really good at translating those weird sounds and noises that you make with your nose over written text in a readable form, so none of you have been able to do that just yet. XD

So as much as i value conversations and finding out how my friends are doing, i don’t like having to put up with whining.

And speaking of conversations, that leads me to part 2: conversations aren’t debates, and i thoroughly dislike entering into conversations in which i have to fight to talk to you.  If you want to clarify things, that’s great and i have no problem with that – i’m not the best explainer of matters, so there are bound to be some terms or situations that will need clarification.  Sometimes i might say things that don’t really fit the situation because of my limited vocabulary, and i will resort to using alternate words to get my point across – correct me, please, because i also want to learn.  But if every possible nuance, phrase, terminology and context is put into question and fired far into the shadow of doubt then i really don’t feel like talking to you at all.

Again, this does not mean that if for some reason i’ve stopped talking to you (yes, you the reader) as much as i did before, that you are doing this.  There are plenty of reasons (as i’m sure we all know) that conversations lose their frequency, and this is merely an active one.

Conversations aren’t meant to be contests, and if you have problems understanding the leisure of the activity then please go look up the definition and the context and nuance and etc of the action, since you like to pick on those of my words so much.

I know i’ve blogged about both matters before, but for some reason they keep coming back at me.  Maybe i’m severely intolerant of such behaviour, granted that they come primarily from people who are about to graduate.  I’d seriously like to see how such people survive in the working world like that: it could very well become a case study.