Year of the Rat

Normally i’d make a whole series of jokes about squeaks and stuff, seeing as i did that for the oinks last year, but this year’s CNY has been just too depressing.

Don’t get me wrong, the bulk of my extended family is great.  Maybe some a little overconfident, with the usual characteristics of typical overachievers, but they’re fine people nonetheless.

I did want to have a good CNY, i really did.  And i would go so far as to say that anyone reading this blog would not be the cause of my disappointment or frustration.  That kinda leaves the people not reading my blog, isn’t it?  Yeah i guess it does.

I’m not really one to say things like this, primarily because i suppose i’m guilty of it in concept as well.  But it just sounds so stupid when people do things that they know will only hurt others.  And i know they’re family, i know it with all my heart and soul, and i would fight for them (and not my country, despite going through NSF life) should the time come, but slowly, i’m losing that will to fight, which is not common to me and i hate the feeling.

Why do we (and when i say we, i mean myself as well) do things that we know will hurt other people?  I’m not guilty of the exact same “crime” i’m referring to, but i do know that at times i willfully act to hurt, knowing full well the impact of my actions.

And although they’re my family (extended), i don’t see why my family (nuclear) has to always put up with the nonsense that we get as a result; we took no part in the decisions or actions, and yet we are always pulled in to rectify the situation.  It’s possible that we’re dependable or reliable, but that in no way means that anyone can just dump the shite on us whenever you can face your own consequences.  We’re not like some rich families i know who can pay their way through anything; if you want to do something, you face the consequences.  I don’t understand how it can be that i was raised that way by all of them and right now they don’t live by the code ingrained by them; it honestly makes me want to forget about the code of honour whatsoever. 

Don’t misunderstand: i’m not heartless, neither am i ungracious.  I dare say most who know me will also not declare me selfish.  We caught them once when they first fell off their feet, then we caught them again, and this is definitely not just the third time we’re doing something at our own great cost simply so that they can escape the consequences from their own actions.  Granted that’s precisely what God did for us, that we be absolved from the consequences of sin, but i suppose it’s human nature to go ahead and sin, despite the one-off payment of grace for all we have done and all we will do.

It seriously doesn’t help anything, and up till now, having lived around them for 25 years, i don’t understand why people must shout or behave so loudly.  I’d much prefer my small little family with brother and parents, where the house is quiet and peaceful, and although we have our arguments it always ends amicably.  Where enclosed places dictate low volumes, and nobody does anything to inconvenience another.

At times i feel the same way about myself – how i do things i know are wrong.  Whether other people bear my consequences or not doesn’t deny that whatever i did was wrong in the first place, and i make/made no excuses for my behaviour.  To me it’s simple – you either face the consequences (sometimes repeatedly if you need to learn the hard way) or get rid of the behaviour.

This CNY was a sad one, and it makes things worse that i was kind of banking on the holidays to push my morale from work up.  It’s kind of sad that i was still doing some touchups to my reports and stuff and it just struck me that i’d have a few papers to write when i go back to school, assignments for a philosophy module i’m taking.  I’m pretty sure the engin module also has assignments, but i have no idea what’s going on for both modules’ assignments or whether the question has been set yet.

Some people view the rat as a harbinger of bad luck, a symbol of deviousness and dirt from the sewers (evidently nobody thinks of Splinter as a rat).  I have to say that the proverbial Year of the Rat has really fulfilled this.  I’m not even sure if i want to continue whatever path i’m on.  Seeing all these things makes me want to cut all ties and live as a hermit on my own. 

On a random note, I guess sometimes it just feels to me that some people have rather perfect lives, and i must admit i wish i had them too, but i don’t hate them or get jealous.  It’s like a “it’s nice to have but i can live without” kinda thing.

How ugly the world is! How ugly indeed! Verily, i doth feel like a fool, who prances the streets in gown and laughs at soliloquy; who knows nought and pretends nought but speaks his mind and his heart.  Prithee tell, in such a land of villainy where doth beauty reside?  Where lies truth and hope and other things that men battle and lay their mortal lives for? Have they been lost, far yonder? Innocence may be a fool’s folly, but methinks sometimes it be better off being a fool.

  1. I think I now understand what you meant by wanting to find peace.

    My year started off on a rather sad tone too, and the years before it were not good ones for my family either – the internal disputes, the misunderstandings, bitterness and heartaches.

    Whatever it is, just be reminded that God is there, call out to Him and He will answer. Though not in ways we often expect. Because there is God, hope never dies.

    God has been showing me His goodness and blessing throughout every valley in my life, and I’m sure that although there are more valleys than peaks in yours now, God will show Himself strong if you lift up your eyes to the mountains and set them on Him.

    And no matter what circumstances in life are, no matter who and what the people we meet are like, always remember, the love of God covers all. He will take care of you 🙂

    Have a happy and blessed year ahead bro!

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