The grouch i mean.

These days i find myself increasing intolerant of many things.  Despite all the rants one might have read on my blog, there was a great deal of pondering and introspection before i actually put them up.  Some of them i took down, and some of them i think i might have not even put up had i be in a clearer frame of mind.

Perhaps introspection isn’t perfect, and perhaps it will never be.  Hardly anything is anyway.

I keep thinking maybe i’m being too judgemental.  Maybe it’s just that i’m facing a lot of unknowns that pressure me and thus i feel the grump ease up inside me.  Maybe it’s the stress induced feelings that cause me to feel that way.  How can it be that i find things to be annoyances while seemingly everyone else laughs at them and finds them so very amusing and entertaining? In the crowd i do all i can to smile and take it light-heartedly, hoping no one will see the strain behind the smile and that whoever it is stops it soon before i crack. But after a whole lot of things cleared off from my back, i find myself still not being able to stomach the same things that happen.

People who make unnecessary noise, or make some sound of sorts blatantly loud.  People who start going all ecstatic and then lose control of themselves and stop using their brains.  People who just simply don’t think.  People who ask for instructions and then don’t follow them.  People who behave manja, whether deliberate or not.  People who are so full of themselves or who think they’re so damn bloody good.  I’ve blogged about so many things that i’ve clean forgotten some of them.  Some of these things i even found amusing at one point of time; i’m sorry to say that i don’t now.  Some of these i never found funny in any aspect, and i hope i never do.

Maybe it’s the inconsiderate aspect of it.  Maybe it’s the thoughtlessness of the act.  Maybe it’s the way it affects other people and the do-er doesn’t realize it.  Maybe it’s just plain stupidity and idiocy, or a lack of respect.  Maybe because i see it more these days than i used to (which is really weird because i haven’t been around at all).  Maybe it’s selfishness on the person’s part, or on mine.  I really don’t know why it irks me so, and part of me really doesn’t care – i just want to be rid of it somehow, even if it comes at some sort of cost (not necessary monetary).

But whatever it is, i think happiness is not an excuse for thoughtlessness, nor is ability an excuse for arrogance, nor is frustration an excuse for callousness of words, any more than the fact that i have a mouth justifies usage of insulting phrases to another party under all conditions.

It took just one person (and a family of turtles) to wake me up from that state and i hereby vow to be not so grouchy anymore.  If people want to be jerks i will let them be jerks until they really encroach upon my personal dignity and privacy, and then woe betide them for there be pwnage in the near future! Rawr!

Read on for more (not necessarily of the same thing)!

That aside, i thought this part should get a split from the previous post, though i didn’t want to make two separate posts for it.  I have been getting a lot on my mind, with the FYP finishing soon and a mad rush for the thesis, and now preparation for exams and presentation, but there’s a great load that has left my shoulders, as i mentioned earlier.

Just as i was worrying about both applications i had submitted to different bodies (coincidentally both institutions of education) as the time for my graduation was drawing awfully near, i received a reply from both of them almost one after another.  I got acceptance from MOE to go for a teaching career, and also from NUS (provisionally, depending on whether i can keep my honours class the way it is) to pursue a Masters’ Degree in Engineering.  And though i still very much want to keep teaching as a passion, it also interests me to finish up the project that i started for my FYP, and further the research i’ve done so far with Minn and my supervisor.  I really enjoy this time i’ve had working with them, and judging by the many horror stories i’ve had about other professors and their demands, i’m very thankful for what i’ve had.

Although a Masters’ Degree won’t increase my pay scheme when i finally get to teach (the Honours degree and Masters degree people are lumped together), but the point for the Masters’ degree really isn’t about getting better pay in the future.  I’d do the job for the same pay because 1) it’s enough for me to live very comfortably by and 2) i like teaching.

I’m honestly not too sure about whether i’m cut out for this kind of thing, and while i’m a little jealous about my friends who got the research scholarship while i didn’t, i don’t think i can blame them, because firstly the offer i’ve been given isn’t really that bad, and secondly they’re all going for PhDs, while i’m only aiming for a Masters’ Degree.  At this point of time i think a Masters’ degree is all i really need, because PhD really overqualifies me for what i want to do, and i most definitely don’t want to end up doing research the rest of my life (which isn’t a given thing if you get a PhD, but it’s the most sensible path and also the most likely)

So i’m going to grad soon.  There will be parts of hall that i will most definitely miss, and there will be parts that will make me come back to hall and school.  There will also be parts and people that i’m more than glad to leave behind, most of which are covered in the description of those who have majorly pissed me off earlier on in the post, but i really don’t care anymore.

Y’know, life isn’t all about “happy happy joy joy”. I’ve mentioned it before so i won’t mention it again, but i’m pretty sure being all grumpy doesn’t kick it either. Don’t say you’re leaving things to God when all you really leave are things that you can’t handle or is not possible to handle – i don’t think it works that way, that’s kinda default.  On the other hand i don’t expect anyone to drop everything and say “God’ll handle it”; there’s a delicate balance between the two, and the properties that differentiate which one you believe in is your attitude and actions. Yes that right, the thing that you have a bad one of, and you throw it around regardless.  Stop it.  If you say you’re being “transformed” please show so in your attitude and actions.

So the exams are coming – heh.  For some of us, this is our last one as an undergrad in NUS – make it a good last lap.  For others, hang in there and you may not believe me now, but soon everything will fly past you and you’ll wonder where all the time went.  greenblog!  After that will be presentations and moving out of hall for me.  It’s amazing, and i don’t know how managed to amass so many things in the room.  It’s just amazing.  But i guess you don’t notice these things till it’s too late and you have to do something about it.  After all, i haven’t moved out of all since RHOC started for me before the beginning of year 3.  That’d be two whole years in hall without moving out.  Guess it’s a good thing i moved some stuff back today, coz i noticed how much i really have to bring back – one or two “passing plastic bags to parents” (alliteration!) isn’t going to solve the problem much heh. >_<

Long post, to make up for all the unhappy and/or infrequent posts these days….all the best to my friends for the exams!

  1. hey jon! very insightful post… like u, i’ve been thinking about lots of stuff these days. i’ve gone home for reading week to study cos hall isn’t very conducive. heh but u are graduating soon! hope to keep in contact with u. it’s great that u have passion for teaching. like u, i want a master’s degree to add value to my teaching, but not sure if i shld go straight for masters or work a few years first. i’ll love to go overseas but i will miss everyone sigh! take care and jiayou =D

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