Archive for the ‘love life’ Category

I think one can tell when one truly loves when you stop loving in spite of something, but because of that same something.

I said something similar to what i’m going to say before, but this time i’m not going to spare so much details.

I think being a final year (and in the process gaining some form of unseen and unofficial authority) brings out bad points in people.  Like how some people whom i initially didn’t mind knowing i now truly detest and find it hard for me to be around them because of the attitude they show.  Let me first point out that these are a select few people that i’m referring to, not necessarily in NUS.  Let me also point out that i did and still do respect those final years before me, as well as any elder whom has earned my respect with wisdom, enthusiasm, knowledge, shrewdness, etc.  But let me also say that just because you’re a final year (or as mentioned earlier, just because you’re older) doesn’t mean that you know everything, have been everywhere.

Be warned, i’m not going to mince my words in this post.  The people referred to may be obvious if you know them and i don’t really care if the person him/herself reads it.

Just because you want to know the exact timings for everything and i happen to be the guy beside you doesn’t mean that i have to know the information that you desire.  In fact, you should know who to ask if you really want the information (as you claim) for some “important business”.  Although i was a member of the orientation committee last year, it doesn’t mean i know precisely what’s going on this year and i’m sure as hell glad that i had friends around me at that point of time or i would have done something drastic to you because my not knowing does not quantify you hurling vulgarities at me, and saying that i’m “lousy” and “screwed up”.  Ironically, you can make the same claim that you’re not the designer for float and thus don’t know what’s going on this year.  Stop spewing your wants about and shut your trap if you don’t know what’s going on, being final year doesn’t mean you’re entitled to scold anyone you want – especially people who aren’t likely to take such things lightly, like me.

Just because you’re older and have a job and supposedly have seen more of “the real world” than me doesn’t make your opinions correct.  What makes it even harder for me to stomach is that you insist that your understanding is right and create your ditzy assumptions to slam other, saying that they do things for their own benefit and have no thought for others when in reality you don’t see that all that you’re doing does exactly the same.  You turn to people to talk when you feel lonely and at your convenience, and you claim to want to show kindness that will spread through the world.  You can call yourself jaded and me naive, but i really don’t care because i know what i’m doing and at the very least i like to give people the benefit of the doubt; if you can’t handle it and you want to assume the worst of everyone then please go ahead – i’ll keep my life simple, thank you.

Just because you want to hear the sightings in hall, doesn’t mean i have to go out of my way and tell you.  If you ask me i will, but i don’t see any reason to be dissed or to be demanded that all visual information i obtain be automatically passed down to you – if you’re so interested, which you claim you’re not in the first place, then look for it yourself.  It’s not like i go hunt for such things anyway.  And i find it extremely distasteful and unfriendly for you to whine that i didn’t mention anything to you but only to another; it just happened that i was talking to that person at the time, and besides, none of you were around.  For the record, if you chatting to me on msn or in my room i would have told you as well by way of conversation – you want so badly to know, go find out yourself.

And that’s just a taste of what i have in mind.  I’d very much like to spew some expletives here but i shall not.  I know there will be some who read this and think i’m unloving and unforgiving; i can’t refute that because i’ve reached the limit.  Yes, if they are in trouble i will step out and help, but don’t expect me to respect you for your character, though i will respect you for the things that worth doing so.

I know i sound grumpy saying all that, but i’ve had it.  On top of that, i’ve had a three-day streak without proper sleep, due to a recurring nightmare that wakes me up every 2 hours.  It sucks to not be able to sleep more tha 2 hours at a shot, and what really pisses me off is that i can’t even remember what the damn nightmare was about – it’s like i just wake up from shock and then it gets erased from my memory. I would like to remember it so that i don’t get woken up again by the shock factor (at least i’d recognize it when i enter the dream, and yes i can do things like that) and finally get some proper sleep, but it seems it isn’t happening.   Furthermore, there’s time i want to spend but i can’t, for obvious reasons, and that makes me a little emo.

Pissed + very very very very sleepy + emo = not a good combination.

By the way, this just came as a random thought: if any of you happen to be praying for me and God said anything for you to say to me, do let me know.  I’d be deeply appreciative. =)

Time to try and sleep again.  The third time today.  Here’s hoping for a sleep that lasts more than 2 hours.

You know, i normally don’t listen to Jay Chou, and i honestly don’t like his mumblings and his rap and his floppy hair, even though i will be angering many people by saying that. But i heard this song on Youtube, and i can’t resist putting the lyrics up because it’s really nice 🙂


Update: It’s pouring now and i just got back from a run in the torrential rain.  Ironic that i blogged about the song  just before i left for the run, and perhaps a more sane me would have backed out.  It appears that i’ve also forgotten how to do that ^^ but it was a great run and a great talk with God on the way, and a great deal of thinking in the run, and a great reminder of how fun it is to run in the rain ^^

Perhaps it’s true – i’ve long forgotten how to back off, and i’d much rather meet anything that comes to me head-on.  I’d admit that at times it’s not wise, but i’d still do it firstly because it’s instinctual and secondly because most of the time i feel it’s necessary.  Pulling out/backing off is not something i’m used to, unless proven wrong, but i haven’t come across that situation because the main reason why i don’t back off is because i know for a fact that i’m holding the right ground.  If i wasn’t 100% sure i’d leave room for debate.

In other realms of my world, i feel myself getting emo again – it’s been a long time since the last shaking of confidence and self-doubt.  I’m not even talking about a complete shattering, just a slight quavering.  Still, i guess i am who i am and if it can’t be accepted as such then i’d rather be who i am, even at a cost.  But i’ve been happy and i hope it stays this way.

Through the valleys and the mountains
Over streams and rivers flow
On the wide and grassy meadows
Or the paths of glossy snow

Smell the flowers by the roadside
Brave the storms that come our way
Trudge the uphill, sprint the down
Watch the sunrise day to day
Feel the raindrops on our shoulders
Warm the skin with rays of sun
Catch the rainbow’s floating colours
And the sunset when day’s done
Lie on cool and grassy fields
Gaze at shapes formed by the clouds
Dance the night around each other
Find the days to sing out loud
Ride the waves that crash upon us
Glide the winds that blow to shore
Sail upon the choppy waters
Dive toward the ocean floor
Run across the dry and barren
Find a rest beside the springs
Judge the acting of the shadows
Mimic songs from gusts of wind
Peer at things that would amaze us
Laugh at that which would amuse
Wipe the tears that fall from eyes
Stand by choices that we choose
Give a hug to brace the sadness
Blow a kiss to quell the fears
Hold a hand between each other
As we walk on through the years
Won’t you walk with me on this path of life?

Who ever you are.

At this point of time i’m in the middle of a lab report that’s due for submission tomorrow (it’s almost done though), but my mind has given up on analyzing modal patterns, vibrations and oscillatory motion of a cantilever beam so i thought a spot of blogging would do me good. 🙂

And so since my last post, this song has been running in my head:

Daniel Beddingfield – If You’re Not The One

If you’re not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you’re not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all

I never know what the future brings
But I know you are here with me now
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don’t need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don’t need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you’re not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you’re not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?

I don’t know why you’re so far away
But I know that this much is true
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in you’re the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

‘Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
‘Cause I love you, whether it’s wrong or right
And though I can’t be with you tonight
You know my heart is by your side

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

Although there’s a lot in the song that i won’t exactly promote to other people, i think i understand what all the questions that he poses to himself in the song mean…about how he’d just know.

That aside, i’ve noticed something that was said last year by Yanchang, that people always seem to respond with a “tired” or “stressed” when asked how they’re doing.  I think it’s in times of that kinda feeling where all the more we have to spend time with God and with other people, talking to them and being there for them.  Some people ask me why i bother spending so much time talking to people or showing snippets of concern to them (i know i also tend to show a lack thereof, so spare me on that – i’m still only human, to which i’ll say something about that later).  I guess i really believe that it’s a worthwhile investment that will pay off one day, which is something even my parents have a hard time understanding why i value it so much more than studies though i do spend time studying and doing my best.

This also leads me to think about the past few weeks where i’ve been feeling very isolated, for lack of a better word.  It reminds me of how one can be surrounded by people and yet still feel lonely – only that my focus here now is on how there seems to be a lack of support on my side.  At times i’m left hanging at the edge of the cliff and it’s just me and God – which is a good thing i suppose.  I’m also grateful to JM and LionKing for spending time to really dig out everything and guide me in one way or another, and the few friends i know who are (perhaps unconsciously) keeping me accountable – diTz, Wormy, Ms. SpellMeBackwards and Piggyiling.  But what surprises me when i thought about this is not that i’m lacking support (God gives all readily and He’s there 24-7); instead, it’s about where i’ve gotten it from.  With the exception of JM and LionKing, the rest i never would have expected to have come up in that sector of my life (the private sector, if you will).  And for those i would have expected it to come from…well i guess God has a way of teaching me that His plans are really higher than mine, and i can’t do any better. 😀  Thanks goes to all those mentioned above, you know who you are 🙂

On a more humourous note, i’ve been receiving a lot of emails congratulating me on getting into the finals for Singapore Idol through my NUS email.  I guess it doesn’t really help that SG Idol Finalist Jonathan Leong is also my age and matriculated in the same year as me.  I’m sure he’d appreciate the support that he has from many many people out there (just by counting the number of good wishes emails i’ve gotten in his stead), provided that they were sent to the right email, thus allowing him to read them XD

And so after a half hour respite, it’s back to measuring amplitudes and nodal positions.  Thank you folks, you’ve been a great audience.  Please remember to take all your belongings with you when you leave, especially your car keys and husbands.  Push your chairs in after you leave, and line up in two straight rows, hold your partner’s hands as you walk out of the room, and don’t forget to tip the ushers. 😉

Planes on the runway
People boarding
Gates are opening
More are closing

And here i stand
Peeking at the crowd
Like a timid mouse looking for the cheese
And waiting for the cat’s meow
Scanning the crowd
Looking for someone
I’ve been here long
But still i see none

And my hopes dim and fade
With each plane that leaves
Carrying passengers to the sky
Out of my life and away from me
They pick up a little each time
The arrival of a new flight’s announced
That’s when i peek out again
And hope that someone is found

Amidst the crowd i look for eyes
Bright, firey and deep
The windows to the soul which tell
The story that i speak
For one who brings a luggage full
Packed with the journey of life
A heart that has faced the springs of love
As well as the winters of strife

For the person that He will point out to me
As someone predestined
And as He will point me out as well,
I look for someone looking for me
Flights take off and flights arrive
And still i wait out the test of time
Will i trust that He will land the plane
Will i trust He will provide?

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It feels like something is tugging;
Tugging at my heart
Like Ghepetto’s strings on Pinocchio
Like a thread on a needle
Being gently pulled in a direction
To be threaded back into my thoughts again

If i knock, will i get an answer?
Yet i dread the answer most hard to bear
Out of three, the one that i’ve had to hear
The most often these days
Maybe it’s just the way
That i’m learning things:
The hard way

But with each tug
It reminds me of a Plan
A grand design for my future
A destiny to fulfill
A time and place for everything
That has been laid out for me
(Predestination? perhaps
I like to think of it as sovereignty)
And in that i trust
That each thread that is pulled
And woven into that design
Though now it’s hard to bear
The truth will reveal itself in time
And the masterpiece will be shown

For each tug, each thread,
Each colour to my life
Is part of a tapestry large and wide
That will be seen when time turns its tides
For eternity to start

And so
With each tug
I trust.

Or i try.

So…here i am at the end of the week where everything’s quiet in hall. It’s not common, honestly. I’m rather used to the hoots and shouts coming from the courts and plugging into my laptop to watch webcasts…not that the latter is good at all, but unfortunately i don’t have any modules that can be webcasted. Having noted that, i’ll make a point to state here that my lecturers really can’t communicate very clearly at all, be it in terms of imparting of knowledge or speech clarity, and so having no webcasts to fall back on kinda sucks. But ah well, it keeps me awake during lectures. 😀

Everyone who has bumped into me this past week has commented that i look tired. I get 6 hours of sleep a night and i think that’s enough to survive on (seeing as i only got 3-4 a night during RHOC) and indeed it was…i didn’t fall asleep during lectures (unless it was REALLY boring). I’m not that tired, but my mind doesn’t seem to be able to function these days. I’m just absorbing everything now and some few hours along the line i recall something that needs considerable thought and start thinking right there and then. Is it any surprise that i need to carry a notebook everywhere i go? or my laptop on hibernate? With all the things i have to do and the list of schoolwork and hall stuff staring at me, along with the mental note of a number of things in my head, i still feel no urgency nor anxiety. Intellectually i acknowledge that there is a lot to do, yet emotionally it no longer affects me – i find this uncommon for myself, knowing myself to be an extremely emotional person.

Despite being academically mentally dead, many thoughts have passed through my mind in the span of these few days. Many many thoughts of many many issues. It looks like i’m back in shape for the thinking game, among other things.

I’ve been wanting to get back to playing guitar for very very long, but i didn’t seem to have to chance to do so. Well, no longer. I’m off to twiddle with the strings right now. 😀

Sidetrack: was humbled immensely by a very real situation, tantamount to convicting me of the actions scorned in James 2:16.  A person who didn’t know how to speak mandarin is playing in the worship team in my church’s chinese service simply because she was asked to, she saw the need and filled the place.  Yet all of us in the other music teams never thought to do that, despite knowing of their shortage of manpower and praying for them.  Another fault of being fallen perhaps, but no excuse for our actions regardless

Once again too, i am reminded of the importance of waiting and how tough it is when you are asked to do so.  More so because i have again been asked to wait.  Honestly, at times like this i would have thought that a direct “no” answer would be much easier to handle (as i spoke to diTz earlier in the day about it), but at the same time i’m a tad puzzled as to why it’s a “wait” and not a direct “no” from God as it has been up till now.  Perhaps the search has come to an end and the wait has begun.Thank you folks, you’ve been a great audience. Remember to wipe the seats when you leave, use both sides of the paper and save the trees. Mother Nature loves you for that.

And tip the ushers!

…as both a statement and a question.

It feels like it’s been ages since i last blogged, but in reality my last post was only a few days back.  That shows how much has passed by in such a short time.  And in that short time i’ve realised quite a few things.

If you’re not careful, your time will slip out from under you.  That’s what happened to me.  Go for this, go for that, training here, lectures there, running from my room to the swimming pool to the hardcourt and then to the piano lounge then to CG…before i knew it, it became the third week of school and tutorials have started.  In no time, it will be mid sem break and then the exams will be here.  As much as i would like the holidays to start, i can’t say i’m looking forward to all the submissions that i have to make in time to come.  Yes there are still so many things that i wish to do, and although i wish to make that impact, i don’t want to kill myself along the way, nor sacrifice what really matters in life.

“Where your treasure is, there your heart is also” Perhaps you could say that i never personally realised the truth of the statement.  I simply couldn’t get it out of my mind as i went through today (no, it’s nothing against what i believe in) and i guess it’s not really a great thing as i was supposed to be concentrating on my lectures.  Then again, considering the standard of today’s lectures, i honestly feel that i’ve accomplished more than i would have if i had listened – the story of engin lecturers 😀

I hope to make a comeback this sem, in terms of spiritual life, studies, handball and choir.

Yet not my will be Yours be done. Help me.