Archive for the ‘Emotionally Charged’ Category
The grouch i mean.
These days i find myself increasing intolerant of many things. Despite all the rants one might have read on my blog, there was a great deal of pondering and introspection before i actually put them up. Some of them i took down, and some of them i think i might have not even put up had i be in a clearer frame of mind.
Perhaps introspection isn’t perfect, and perhaps it will never be. Hardly anything is anyway.
I keep thinking maybe i’m being too judgemental. Maybe it’s just that i’m facing a lot of unknowns that pressure me and thus i feel the grump ease up inside me. Maybe it’s the stress induced feelings that cause me to feel that way. How can it be that i find things to be annoyances while seemingly everyone else laughs at them and finds them so very amusing and entertaining? In the crowd i do all i can to smile and take it light-heartedly, hoping no one will see the strain behind the smile and that whoever it is stops it soon before i crack. But after a whole lot of things cleared off from my back, i find myself still not being able to stomach the same things that happen.
People who make unnecessary noise, or make some sound of sorts blatantly loud. People who start going all ecstatic and then lose control of themselves and stop using their brains. People who just simply don’t think. People who ask for instructions and then don’t follow them. People who behave manja, whether deliberate or not. People who are so full of themselves or who think they’re so damn bloody good. I’ve blogged about so many things that i’ve clean forgotten some of them. Some of these things i even found amusing at one point of time; i’m sorry to say that i don’t now. Some of these i never found funny in any aspect, and i hope i never do.
Maybe it’s the inconsiderate aspect of it. Maybe it’s the thoughtlessness of the act. Maybe it’s the way it affects other people and the do-er doesn’t realize it. Maybe it’s just plain stupidity and idiocy, or a lack of respect. Maybe because i see it more these days than i used to (which is really weird because i haven’t been around at all). Maybe it’s selfishness on the person’s part, or on mine. I really don’t know why it irks me so, and part of me really doesn’t care – i just want to be rid of it somehow, even if it comes at some sort of cost (not necessary monetary).
But whatever it is, i think happiness is not an excuse for thoughtlessness, nor is ability an excuse for arrogance, nor is frustration an excuse for callousness of words, any more than the fact that i have a mouth justifies usage of insulting phrases to another party under all conditions.
It took just one person (and a family of turtles) to wake me up from that state and i hereby vow to be not so grouchy anymore. If people want to be jerks i will let them be jerks until they really encroach upon my personal dignity and privacy, and then woe betide them for there be pwnage in the near future! Rawr!
Read on for more (not necessarily of the same thing)!
I wanted to use the F-word here, but i shall calm myself and be civil. Or not. But you can just imagine as you read on how many times the word could pepper my post.
I hate people who are showoffs. I hate people who are two(or three or even four)-faced, who define themselves as the ultimate truth, who are hungry for power to the extent that they will push other people around for it, who show false modesty, who pretend to be so damn squeaky clean in front of girls but be a bastard with guys, who want fame and glory to themselves, who like to dominate over other people and bark orders to them, who have the obsessive need to want to show to the world all of their abilities (or in reality lack thereof). I hate Christians who talk the big talk but don’t live the loving walk. I hate them because at the bottom of it all, these people treat other people like scum even though they claim they are loving. I hate them because they drive away so many people from God, even those who follow Him and have already placed doubts in my own mind about what i believe in and whether it’s worth following since it spawns this kind of people. I hate them because they make so many people believe they’re so damn good and it infuriates me to see everyone fall for it. I hate them because at the core of it all they are liars to themselves, and that makes me hate them.
I grew up with these kind of people around me and i was always the target. I learned that they are the people who will most likely get the fame, the power, the popularity and have everyone sing praises of them because they know how to play around with other people’s minds. I learned how to defy their mindtricks with logic and spot them a mile away, and use it against them. I learned that these people will always exist wherever i go, and thus never had to give myself the false consolation that once i leave a particular place i will be rid of such people (maybe except life). I have learned to accept that fact, and live a simple live with my own abilities, with what i have, and enjoy what i can without having them taken away from me.
I have known this for a good damn 13 years of my life, with all the shit that i’ve been through, and it’s carved on my heart like it would be carved on stone.
And after 13 years, the same damn thing is so difficult to deal with that it boils in my heart and i feel like punching the walls and screaming my heart out, just to cause some pain to myself so that i don’t feel this one anymore.
I posted previously on how i believe Christians would have a hard time in this world…some people seem to have a different idea about it and all, but perhaps i wasn’t clear enough because other people have misquoted my intentions.
Yes, i believe we will have a hard time. But just because you’re being criticized and things are not going smooth doesn’t mean that you are on the right path! It’s a cause and effect thing, where the effect is the hard times; if hard times exist it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re doing the right thing.
So please, when people give you feedback, or when people have something to say, don’t fight back defensively. Drop the ego and listen to what they have to say, listen to your friend’s hearts and stop the damn preaching, because what you preach doesn’t follow what you do. I don’t suppose you ever thought that people are having a hard time BECAUSE of you, and none of us have any right to give someone else a hard time.
Walk your damn talk and stop thinking you’re perfect. Seriously. My confidence in my faith is dropping drastically because of you. Don’t keep assuming that people are against you because you’re taking God’s path – it’s something significant when the main bulk of the people against you are mature believers and those for you are usually not.
I know i’m not the only one who feels this, but i openly say it, wearing my heart on my sleeve. If i’m wrong i’ll freely admit it coz i don’t want to be two-faced.
Those who are hungry for power never wield it well. Because in the world of man, power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely.
If He opens it, no one can close it.
“Dear Final Year students
Application for admission to Graduate Research Programmes is still open for August 2008 Intake.
Completed applications together with all other relevant supporting documents must reach the Head, Department of Mechanical Engineering by 1st Apr 2008.”
At this point of time, i’m not too concerned about if anyone from the department or in the hierarchy in charge reads what i say here because i am seriously angry with these people.
The previous deadline was 15 Oct 2007. Those of us who handed in the applications had to rush everything in TWO DAMN WEEKS, which includes the recommendations, transcripts and the lot. If you think two weeks is a long time, note that the Student Service Centre takes 4 STUPID DAYS to get a transcript out. And to top it off, THEY ACTUALLY LOST MINE; so it effectively took a week. That’s just ONE step of the application involved and when it was all handed up, we all breathed a sigh of relief.
I handed in my application on 13 Oct 2007, and i was told that i would only be informed of the outcome in March 2008. LATE March, in fact. This already seems to be like severe inefficiency – 6 months to process all the applications? Isn’t that a bit long? By comparison, Imperial College sends in replies ONE MONTH after the deadline closes, and i’m sure they receive more applications than we do. World-class university indeed. pui.
And then the above email gets sent out to all the final year students. SO WHAT DID I RUSH MY APPLICATION FOR? If the intake is the same, and the application is the same, and the programme is the same, what gives man? A quick check of the website tells me that application outcomes will be released in MAY 2008.
OCTOBER TO MAY! 8 months to process applications that only span Engineering? My friends who applied in Arts have already gotten back their replies! This not only seems very inefficient, bordering on inactivity, but very unfair to those of us who rushed the applications to meet the October deadline and now still have no chance to apply for a job because we can’t even tell our prospective employers when we can start work. Being in a limbo sucks, especially if it’s a limbo that could take up a good year of your life and affect your future. I don’t get asked for interviews because i don’t know when i can start work.
Ok, maybe you have spaces that you want to fill up because the quota is not reached or something. It still doesn’t make sense; shouldn’t the extension of deadline be made known BEFORE THE FIRST DEADLINE? or at least somewhere near it? As it is, they waited a good 5 months to tell people that hey, we just extended the deadline, you guys can now apply again! And we have to wait, job-interview-less, for you to make your SECOND DECISION on matters that will affect my DAMN LIFE.
Look, if you want to fill up spaces, give those of us who can possibly get in and have met the first deadline priority. If you’re just looking for people to do research in NUS’s name, then it doesn’t really matter right? seeing as that’s the only reason i can think of that one would extend a deadline that’s ALREADY OVER. Maybe i overlooked a reason, fine; that’s still no way to do things, letting other people’s entire lives be put on hold just so that NUS can do things at their damned snail’s pace.
WTH man.
They tell you to look at the world, we make it such you don’t even know whether you can because we’re holding your precarious applications in the palm of our hands and if we choose to we can just leave you in limbo till it’s too late for you to find a job and you’ll have to be unemployed for a significant period of time.
That’s the difference between them and N’US.
Edit: MOE got back to me today, sending me an sms to notify me that i’ve been shortlisted for an interview for teaching – applications closed on the 25th Feb. Need i state another example against the administration?
I have a problem with Christians who tell others that once you become a Christian, life becomes filled with joy and love and you will never have to deal with pain, heartache and sorrow evermore.
(For the record, i’ve been a Christian for 9 years, and in those 9 years i have learnt sorrow to the core, heartache that would kill and crippling pain – both emotional and physical.)
Get. Your. Facts. Right.
Is it any wonder people convert and then fall away from the faith, simply because they don’t know the truth of the matter? Jesus never said you won’t face such things, that you will never feel sorrow or see injustice. In fact, Christians will be persecuted, judged and condemned. You won’t just see injustice, more likely than not you will be the object of injustice, and so on and so forth.
Stop preaching these things that are in contradiction to the Bible! Go read it properly!
What God does promise is that you will have the strength to see through all this, and that a greater treasure (i’m speaking metaphorically here, as i make no claims on the actual imagery) will be in store for us for eternity. I could go on and on about how this overshadows the pain we feel here, but i’m not really in the mood for that. Yes your life will be filled with joy, but not at the absence of sorrow. You will be loved, but not at the absence of being hated, and you will live but not at the absence of pain. Maybe by comparison to the eternal these things will seem insignificant, but let me assure you that Paul also went through each one of these things many times over – how do you lend credit to your claim that you never will?
It’s even more frustrating that these people go around proudly proclaiming that you’re Christian and then spread gossip or fallacies and things like that. It makes my blood boil that they will quote from the Bible to put you on a guilt trip to induce you to do favours for them. It infuriates me that my non-Christian friends are labelling Christians as naive people who do not care about those outside their faith and it’s all i can to show them it’s not true, while people who are announcing their faith unnecessarily and excessively are destroying what impressions i make. It makes me mad that people profess to know so much and go around trumpeting such things, even more when their life shows the direct opposite. All i really needed to do when faced with such situations like that is to ask “where did you get that idea from?” Didn’t it ever occur to them that if you really are a Christian, you don’t have to tell anyone you are? I never did, yet my friends all know which God i believe in.
It just makes me so mad, but i have blogged about it, i hope people will read this and if you want, link it to your blog if you agree with me (or not, it’s up to you really) and want to spread the word on such matters (or you do your own part in your own way, i really don’t need the fame or popularity), and i will leave it on my blog until it is appropriate for me to bring it up in person to whoever it is necessary to.
Rest assured i will not take this out on any undeserving people, but i believe that even though i’m nowhere near holiness and purity, i believe God can get angry at such things too.
I’ll say it one last time – Get. Your. Facts. Right.
Normally i’d make a whole series of jokes about squeaks and stuff, seeing as i did that for the oinks last year, but this year’s CNY has been just too depressing.
Don’t get me wrong, the bulk of my extended family is great. Maybe some a little overconfident, with the usual characteristics of typical overachievers, but they’re fine people nonetheless.
I did want to have a good CNY, i really did. And i would go so far as to say that anyone reading this blog would not be the cause of my disappointment or frustration. That kinda leaves the people not reading my blog, isn’t it? Yeah i guess it does.
I’m not really one to say things like this, primarily because i suppose i’m guilty of it in concept as well. But it just sounds so stupid when people do things that they know will only hurt others. And i know they’re family, i know it with all my heart and soul, and i would fight for them (and not my country, despite going through NSF life) should the time come, but slowly, i’m losing that will to fight, which is not common to me and i hate the feeling.
Why do we (and when i say we, i mean myself as well) do things that we know will hurt other people? I’m not guilty of the exact same “crime” i’m referring to, but i do know that at times i willfully act to hurt, knowing full well the impact of my actions.
And although they’re my family (extended), i don’t see why my family (nuclear) has to always put up with the nonsense that we get as a result; we took no part in the decisions or actions, and yet we are always pulled in to rectify the situation. It’s possible that we’re dependable or reliable, but that in no way means that anyone can just dump the shite on us whenever you can face your own consequences. We’re not like some rich families i know who can pay their way through anything; if you want to do something, you face the consequences. I don’t understand how it can be that i was raised that way by all of them and right now they don’t live by the code ingrained by them; it honestly makes me want to forget about the code of honour whatsoever.
Don’t misunderstand: i’m not heartless, neither am i ungracious. I dare say most who know me will also not declare me selfish. We caught them once when they first fell off their feet, then we caught them again, and this is definitely not just the third time we’re doing something at our own great cost simply so that they can escape the consequences from their own actions. Granted that’s precisely what God did for us, that we be absolved from the consequences of sin, but i suppose it’s human nature to go ahead and sin, despite the one-off payment of grace for all we have done and all we will do.
It seriously doesn’t help anything, and up till now, having lived around them for 25 years, i don’t understand why people must shout or behave so loudly. I’d much prefer my small little family with brother and parents, where the house is quiet and peaceful, and although we have our arguments it always ends amicably. Where enclosed places dictate low volumes, and nobody does anything to inconvenience another.
At times i feel the same way about myself – how i do things i know are wrong. Whether other people bear my consequences or not doesn’t deny that whatever i did was wrong in the first place, and i make/made no excuses for my behaviour. To me it’s simple – you either face the consequences (sometimes repeatedly if you need to learn the hard way) or get rid of the behaviour.
This CNY was a sad one, and it makes things worse that i was kind of banking on the holidays to push my morale from work up. It’s kind of sad that i was still doing some touchups to my reports and stuff and it just struck me that i’d have a few papers to write when i go back to school, assignments for a philosophy module i’m taking. I’m pretty sure the engin module also has assignments, but i have no idea what’s going on for both modules’ assignments or whether the question has been set yet.
Some people view the rat as a harbinger of bad luck, a symbol of deviousness and dirt from the sewers (evidently nobody thinks of Splinter as a rat). I have to say that the proverbial Year of the Rat has really fulfilled this. I’m not even sure if i want to continue whatever path i’m on. Seeing all these things makes me want to cut all ties and live as a hermit on my own.
On a random note, I guess sometimes it just feels to me that some people have rather perfect lives, and i must admit i wish i had them too, but i don’t hate them or get jealous. It’s like a “it’s nice to have but i can live without” kinda thing.
How ugly the world is! How ugly indeed! Verily, i doth feel like a fool, who prances the streets in gown and laughs at soliloquy; who knows nought and pretends nought but speaks his mind and his heart. Prithee tell, in such a land of villainy where doth beauty reside? Where lies truth and hope and other things that men battle and lay their mortal lives for? Have they been lost, far yonder? Innocence may be a fool’s folly, but methinks sometimes it be better off being a fool.
With all the disappointments that have come in the past two or three weeks, in the various sectors of my life, it has been one after another, with little or no time to recover from the previous one. From handball to FYP to my breaking down phone, almost every area that i concern myself with has pushed me down at one point of time or another in the past month, usually right behind each other.
But from this experience i learned a few things. Firstly, that man (and his creations and gadgets) are fallible. Thus, they will disappoint if you put your ultimate trust in them. (I don’t mean that i’ve betrayed anyone’s trust though…because i haven’t!)
And secondly, it’s really nice to know someone cares enough to help save the situation with/for you. Only one person tried. Thank you.
That being said, the O2 Atom Life and HTC Touch are sold out in every major Singtel shop over the island. I hope this either means they’re restocking soon, they’re bringing in new models (which hopefully are as sleek as the previous ones – i notice that the pda phones are getting chunkier), or they have something up their sleeves. Whatever the case, i can forget about getting a phone in the next few days/weeks, because they won’t be available and they would be expensive should they be available. Bah there goes the replacement for my half broken phone which turns off in the middle of calls.
In other thoughts, after yesterday’s sermon i realized how hard a time i was really having with holding my faith while in hall. It’s not just that at times i waver, it just seems that the conditions are simply against me, as are other Christians. Confused? Let me elaborate.
Oftentimes i get questions on Christianity – my friends are an open bunch, and they do ask me what my/the Christian stand on certain things are, or typically the question “what would Jesus do?”. And i can give them an answer, albeit it is my response and not anyone else’s, and it’s not a perfect one so not everyone has to agree with me, which is what we enjoy because we discuss the basis and sound philosophical and all that. But what pisses me off is that other Christians behaviour comes into question after that. There will always be a point where someone else will ask “then what about xxx? how come he/she does the opposite?” or “does something really un-Christ-like?” I know i’m no clean testimony myself, but at the rate things are being told to me (i don’t really bother to go find out what people do) in those discussions, the only answer i have is that “xxx is wrong”, which isn’t a very convincing answer in itself.
Before i start to get blasted, let me say that i don’t have all the answers and i’m not perfect. Neither is anyone else, so they are bound to make mistakes. But i guess somehow the fact that “people make mistakes” doesn’t make a very convincing argument for Christian’s behaviour. Not when it’s exceptionally hypocritical, that one does exactly the same thing he/she accuses another of, often under a shallow pretext that whether intended or not, everyone seems to see right through it. It’s hurting for the Christians around, it’s hurting for the people being done to, but most of all, can’t you see that it hurts God too?
And it always brings me back the question: if you/we love God so much, why do you/we still keep hurting Him?
There’s this feeling inside now, that i haven’t felt in a long time. I’ve had it before but i can’t remember why, when or how. All i know is that it’s back and it’s wrenching my heart in two and i’m left rather confused about how i’m feeling again, back at square one.
I’ve drafted so many posts to try and let this feeling out, but it doesn’t connect to the words. They just don’t fit properly.
So i’m left with only this….feeling.
I’m not really clear why, but things have been rather gloomy these days, unfortunate circumstances nonwithstanding.
Somehow friends don’t seem to respond the same anymore, and a few i fear i’m losing. As much as i don’t have a dependence on them, i would also appreciate not losing them because i still consider them friends.
Things have not been smooth sailing, and i have no idea why. It just seems that way.
And they said…
Sammy Sullivan on Dawned jahrzy on Now Unto Him Clifford on Now Unto Him jon on Now Unto Him Finece Hames on Now Unto Him
iThink 